Confess to the Mess

I know I hinted at it on Monday, but I must officially confess that my house is a mess. I thought I should take the necessary step of admitting there is a problem. I think it might help me to do something about it. Could someone now please write Oprah and tell her a sad little story about a young mother with six kids that is living in squalor and to send Nate Berkus to her house for a home makover? Oh and don't forget to tell her that I need some new stainless steel appliances, but the fake stainless steel that doesn't show little kid fingerprints. Also a front loading washer, new dryer and lifetime supply of Tide would be helpful. And while you're at it, Oprah, throw in a nanny and housekeeper. Thanks!

Here is a crib that somebody gave us that has been sitting in our hall for the past six weeks because it doesn't fit through the doorways and we are missing the correct size allen wrench to take it apart. Meanwhile, it has been collecting clutter. The little black blob sitting on the floor beside it is a small Christmas tree we still need to put in the attic.

Poor baby!

Mommy, there's water on the floor.

This afternoon Emily came to tell me that it was wet in front of the toilet. Since I was aware of the fact that Bradley was the last lavatory occupant I said, "Bradley! Did you pee pee on the floor?" Taking a break from his PBS kids computer gaming he looked at me confused and then avoided eye contact and said, "I don't think so. The toilet might have overflowed a little bit." I sensed guilt and I made my way to the powder room to discover that "overflowed a little bit" was an understatement and that Emily left out the part of walking through a lake of water to get to the toilet. I was mad. Possibly more livid than on Friday night when I found muddy footprints throughout my family room. I yelled, "Stand in the corner! No, go get me some towels!" He obeyed through his tears and brought down my stash of perfectly white towels. Trying not to belittle the the 5 year old boy by screaming, "Not white towels!" (after all he did obey) I asked Emily to go get some older towels and asked Bradley to get the plunger.

Thankfully, my wood floors were saved and the toilet is functioning again. I was sure to give my sweet Bradley an increase in love after the ordeal. I think I'm beginning to accept the fact that I have a 5 year old boy. The great thing about Bradley is that he is super forgiving. The other day while he was reluctantly cleaning up his toys as I barked out orders like a drill sergeant he said, "Mommy, you know what? I love you!"

My attempt at prevention.

Word of the Day

Me: I surrender!

Bradley: Mommy, what does surrender mean?

Me: It means to give up.

Emily: Why are you giving up?

Me: I'm giving up because it's simply madness trying to keep a clean house.

Wendy: Why, Mommy?

Me: *sigh*

Wendy: Mommy, why?

Me: Oh...cause you guys are just crazy.

Wendy: Ohhh tay.

Here is hungry Jason protesting my late start at lunch.

Keep a Journal

A man spoke in church today about keeping journals and how it is important for our posterity to learn who we are. I totally classify my blog as my journal. I believe it paints a pretty good picture of my life. I'm going to print my blog out monthly and stick it in a notebook until I can publish it in a hardbound book. Sure, my blog lacks in spirituality, but I have a set of scriptures that I hope to tatter over the years to prove that I read them and thus am a spriritual person. I think I might actually write my testimony by hand and stick it in my scriptures so that when my grandchildren or perhaps great grandchildren find them they'll know that I had more to talk about than just poopy diapers.

~~~

Today Sarah drew a picture of a woman. She explained that the woman was mad because Sarah wasn't cleaning. Sarah explained that the woman was her mother.

Great! The mean mother picture again.

But then Sarah assured me that it wasn't me. It was her other mother.

"Who is this other mother?"

"Oh, she's my older mother that lives at my friend's house."

Ok. That's cool. I'm glad she's the mean one.

A Pretty Typical Saturday

Today was a good day. The family went to the park. After the park we went to Target. As we got out of the car Bradley said, "I think I left one of my shoes at the park." I knew we weren't going to waste valuable time going back to fetch it so we put the 5 year old in the front of the cart and wheeled him inside. To save time we ate our lunch at Target. We fed the family for $14. What a deal! The only bad thing is that Target does not have the best seating arrangement for large parties. We ate at two separate tables. At the table next to us there was a little girl counting our children. She seemed quite impressed with the amount of kids. We picked out some new shoes for Bradley (the one he lost was too small anyway.) He was pushing to get the size 11, I wanted to get the size 12. I won. The sandals need to last all summer. We shopped for too long, mostly because of the 4 bathroom trips, went home, and I worked on the garden. I got it all prepped for planting. I'm so excited to be growing green bean and cucumbers. We ate pasta for dinner. David bathed the kids and put them to bed while I went to the grocery store. Now I'm exhausted and ready to go to bed. Here is my favorite part of today:

Bloggers must carry a camera at all times.

So that's why...

Now I know why June Cleaver wore shoes in the house. Today found me sewing felt monsters with the kids during toddler naptime. I was on the phone with my mom when I carried the large sewing needle from my kitchen knife magnet to the family room. As I entered the family room I clumsily dropped the needle and stepped directly onto the very pointy end with my barefoot. The immediate pain caused me to drop the the phone. It took me about 3 seconds to comprehend what just happened and shout to the phone, "Hang on, Mom! Aghhhhhh!" Still in some slight shock I grabbed a hold of the needle and pulled out the 1/2 inch of metal that was jabbed into my sole. Not much blood, but a lot of pain. I have a slight limp and I hope I don't start foaming at the mouth. The good news is that it entered right at the acupuncture point for the left ventricle, possibly left atrium and I hope it fixes my irregular heartbeat. We didn't finish the monster for lack of polyester fiberfill. Emily offered to get some from the ottoman cushion, but I politely declined and said we would get some at Walmart. Here is the monster in embryo. I think he resembles Jason Castro from American Idol.

More Joy of Analytics

Another analyzation of keywords that brought visitors to my website. Here are my favorites:

• melinda nip slip - It didn't actually happen
• bigboob schoolgirl - I was never one of those.
• bikinis falling off - I hate it when that happens!
• dehydrated placenta - Mmm. Good food storage!
• girl shoving pepsi can up her butt - Is that possible?
• how big are b cups - I wouldn't know.
• june cleaver naked - Ward!
• mature poop - aka "manure"
• nice butt cheeks - Why, thank you.
• woman poops in elevator reason - I haven't a clue.
• i drank 4 sodas and then drove for 2 hours and i had to go to the bathroom so badly i wet my pants - And what exactly were you expecting to find with that search?

I am most positive that most of those visitors were disappointed with the results of their click.

My June Cleaver Experiment - Conclusion

Does looking and behaving like June Cleaver make me a better housewife and mother?

Yes and no.

Yes, because the whole skirt and pearls thing accentuates my femininity and makes me proud to be a woman. Why not dress up for the most mundane of days? Wearing an apron made it fun to cook.

No, because I still had the urge to yell and scream when my kids got on my nerves. It just doesn't come naturally to me to say, "Oh, Beaver!" with a smile when a child does something completely and utterly stupid that causes a mess or something to break.

In summary, the experiment made me more aware of my own behavior. I do admit that forcing a smile while doing dishes actually did make me happy to do them. I do believe that dressing up for the day made me more productive. The pearls made me look pretty. Now that my experiment is over, I realize I miss my June Cleaver days. I've become a little sloppy with the housework. I've become less attentive toward my demeanor towards my children. I do still wear the skirt and pearls though. Perhaps I should continue on as June Cleaver for a consecutive 21 days to establish a habit and forego the Rosanne Barr experiment.

Revelation

I struggled today as I tried to "live in the moment." I just wanted to ignore my kids and watch my herb garden grow, browse the Internet and talk on the phone. But then I had a revelation. I realized that I already am pretty good at living in the moment. Isn't that what bloggers do - live everyday on the lookout for a bloggable moment? Of course I don't have the patience to record every memory that happens each day, but I do take the time to look for them. In fact just two weeks ago I was mentally selecting the adjectives I would use in my post the next day as I cleaned the vomit-soaked sheets and dinosaur pajamas of a puking 17 month old child at 2:30 in the morning. I never did get around to blogging the next day because I was busy with my parents visiting me, but it was going to go something like this:

"I heard him crying and I knew. I knew it wasn't hunger. I knew it wasn't teething. I knew that I was about to find a puddle of puke. The cry just had that familiar gurgle to it. I reluctantly rolled out of bed as the TV, that I had forgotten to turn off before falling asleep, lit my way with the flickering tail end of the Carson Daly show. I walked pass the baby crib, thankful that the baby was still asleep, and made my way to the boy's room. Yep! There was the dinner remnants I had envisioned spewed on his blue gingham jersey cotton crib sheet. I placed him in the tub and washed the ebony colored beans and undigested rice from his hair and neck crevices. Then I took him to my room and sprawled an old ugly blanket on top of my bed and then instinctively held a towel in front of him for the hurl that was about to occur. Finally, after performing a surgeon scrub down, the boy and I slept uncomfortably the rest of the night. "

So, yeah, I'm living in the moment. I'm a blogger.

Living in the Moment

My "living in the moment" seemed to have failed today. The problem is that I have six little moments to try to live in simultaneously. In my moment with Emily and Bradley this morning while watching a Nat Geo program on super volcanoes, three other little moments were getting into the fridge fetching American Cheese and sucking on hard boiled eggs, complete with shell. Many of my moments find me wiping hineys, changing diapers, and sweeping up elbow macaroni. Hmmm ... This is a challenge, but I won't give up. Here is a visual of the effects of "living in the moment" today:

Is it worth it?

Here are a couple of "living in the moment" memories:

This morning Sarah drew a picture of "a princess jumping on a jumpoline."

"Do you mean trampoline, Sarah?"

"No. She doesn't like trampolines. She likes jumpolines."

~~~~

We've been doing a lot of yard work the past couple of weeks. The kids like to pretend that they are peasants and working in the fields. This evening I was holding baby Rachel and Emily noticed a booger in Rachel's nose. With an approaching finger toward the obstructed nostril Emily said, "Let me pick that for you, Rachel. I am your servant."

Now if only they could've enjoyed playing "peasant" and "servant" when I asked them to clean up the playroom.

Spiritual Comedy

I love General Conference weekend! I love having two Sunday's a year to sleep in and not worry about bathing the kids, curling hair, tying sashes, finding my church shoes, packing diaper bags. There were some good talks too - a lot of talks about strengthening the family, improving our prayers, and just improving ourselves in general. Elder Rasburn even said "Titicaca."

We sustained our new First Presidency. I have to say I really missed hearing the congregation chuckle at President Hinkley's funny remarks. But President Monson pulled through in his last talk at the end of the fourth session. He was successful at making a joke from a story about his wife being in a coma just two months ago. Ahh...such good Mormon humor. General Conference never fails to have some leader make a comment about being old followed by the congregation laughing. Getting old is hilarious.

My favorite talk was Elder Ballard's. He counseled to not watch soap operas, but no mention of Oprah. He counseled not to over schedule to avoid feeling like taxi drivers. He counseled us to "live in the moment" and not always be in a hurry. Amen! Easier said than done, but that is my goal this week. I am going to spend time with my kids this week and soak in the joy while mentally recording the details and not worrying about what I have to get done. He also counseled to abstain from any substance abuse that we might think we need to be more productive with our activities. Gasp! Is he referring to Diet Coke? Line upon line, precept upon precept. This week I'm working on spending time with my kids until I can further clarify "substance."

Happy Birthday, Emily!

Her requested chocolate donut cake with sprinkles.

Perhaps this year she will grow into her arms.

Our Little Frankenstein

I Frankensteined My Kid

Our family decided to do some work in the yard in preparation for gardening season when my husband came home from work this evening. Excited about digging out old plants and prepping for our anticipated lush garden of abundant vegetable crops, I dug up an old woody Lantana bush while Daddy was doing a science experiment with the kids of finding out what happens when you place a slug among a colony of fire ants. As I worked at the stubborn roots, I was thinking to myself how fortunate we had been that all five walking kids weren't gravitating to the perilous street and were staying very close to where we were working. That same moment Jason entered within a shovel's length from me just as I lost control of my digging, causing the blade of my shovel to hit him right between the eyes. Panicked and not knowing exactly where the shovel hit his face, I reluctantly picked him up to assess the damage. Blood was everywhere, dripping into his eyes and onto his clothes. My husband remained strong throughout the ordeal, while Jason and I cried. After cleaning him up, my husband took him to the emergency clinic with my oldest daughter, who recently told me that she definitely does not want to be a doctor that cuts people open. The trauma is over, and the good news is that he's fine and with all the commotion I didn't have to cook dinner, and instead relied on the Burger King to feed us. Jason will go down in the books as the first kid in the family to get stitches because his mom accidentally whacked him in the head with a shovel.

Oh, and fire ants don't care for slugs too much. They're too sticky.

Uncle Sam is Calling

Ok. I have to bite the bullet and do my taxes. I'll be back.

Food Storage Campaign

As the unofficial Food Storage Specialist in my ward, every Spring I launch an annual food storage campaign. This year I am hosting a sort of Dear Abby column where members of the ward can email me their food storage questions. The column is called "Dear Holy Cow." Since today's question regarding sugar is so important, I thought I would share it with the world.

Dear Holy Cow,

How much sugar should I store?

Sincerely,
High on Sweets

Dear High on Sweets,

Provident Living no longer officially recommends how much sugar to store. However, it formerly recommended 60 pounds per person per year. Sugar is not essential for survival, but it does provide enjoyment and helps to make some foods more palatable. If you take medicine on a daily basis, I recommend storing at least one spoonful per pill.

Sugars you should consider storing are white sugar, brown sugar, powdered sugar, honey, syrup, corn syrup, candy, and marshmallows. Recent studies show that marshmallows have a tremendously long shelf life. Also due to the current wheat shortage we can expect to see more shelf space in our grocery stores devoted to rice based cereals such as Rice Krispies and Special K, thus making marshmallows the perfect sugar to store. It is recommended to store at least 40 lbs. of marshmallows per person per year. A #10 can holds approximately 2 lbs. of marshmallows. A 6 gallon bucket holds approximately 15 lbs of marshmallows. Marshmallows can be stored in Mylar bags, however, they most likely won’t retain their fluffy shape and you should plan to use marshmallows stored in Mylar bags for recipes that require melting them such as Rice Krispie Treats.

It’s up to you whether to store the miniature or regular size marshmallows. The mini marshmallows grow better in our southern climate. Large marshmallows grow better in the northern climates in states such as New York and Pennsylvania. It is hidden knowledge that marshmallows, when planted, grow spectacular, lush trees with beautiful lavender and fragrant blooms. It is thought that these trees resemble those that were once grown in the Garden of Eden. Try planting one this spring. It usually takes 7-14 days to germinate indoors. Once the plant receives it’s second set of leaves it is ready to plant outside. It usually takes a marshmallow tree 2-3 years to produce fruit. The fruit is ready to harvest in early winter, the perfect time to put them in the hot chocolate you made from your powdered milk.

Hope this information helps!

Sincerely,
April Fool

Toilet Seats in the Diswasher

Today as I took my 2 1/2 year old to the bathroom I happened to catch a glance at the underside of the toddler toilet seat. I was totally disgusted and decided to give it a try in the dishwasher in order to avoid touching the nastiness. I was pleased to find out that they washed up beautifully.

No More Snaggletooth

Last night as I shopped the 90% off clearance sale at Kohl's while my parents watched the kids, Emily lost her second upper front loose tooth. This is the story:

As Emily and Bradley were playing "Babies in the Belly" at bedtime, a game where they both get underneath a big quilt (the womb) and kick their way out, Bradley accidentally bumped Emily in the mouth and knocked her tooth out. Bradley came downstairs and said to my parents, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is Emily's tooth fell out. The bad news is that it's bleeding real bad."

Back to the Frump

I didn't post yesterday because I took my husband to the airport for a business trip and it was nice to just sit on the couch and hold my little baby and watch a little TV. He'll be gone this week. I have a whole week to guiltlessly leave the toilet seat lid up. Woo hoo!

I'm still working on my experiment conclusion.

My June Cleaver Experiment - Day 6

Yes, I am still conducting my experiement, but Saturdays are so crazy that I didn't get a moment to take a picture of myself or collect data. After 6 days it feels so normal to wear pearls and skirt. I bought a dress at Walmart last night. I don't know who I was kidding when I purchased a size 4 two months after having a baby and with nursing breasts. I'll be taking it back next week. I'll be pregnant again before I ever fit in it. Wait a minute ... was I ever a size 4? Oh well, it was wishful thinking.

We had an Easter egg hunt today. Emily was very disappointed to be defeated by her younger brother.

My baby has some serious belly button issues. As I changed her diaper today, Emily said, "Are you going to discuss that with the doctor?" referring to what appears to be Rachel's possible "outie."

Happy Easter Eve!

My June Cleaver Experiment - Day 5

Data Collection (Day 5):
I did a very un- June thing today and wore my husband's flip flops with socks while I cleaned the kitchen. But let me explain. Since it is now officially Spring I decided to do some Spring cleaning. I dusted every single window blind in the house. Meanwhile I opened every single window not realizing it was chilly outside. So the house got cold and my feet got cold so I put on socks.

I went to Walmart tonight and bought my husband a lifetime supply of pants - 7 pairs. I bought him 3 pairs the other day and he loved them. They were clearanced for $7.

I'm tired. More tomorrow.

My June Cleaver Experiment - Day 4

Data Collection (Day 4):
I'm a bit tired today. My parents came to town and I met them at a restaurant for breakfast. Unaware of my experiment, my mom was wondering why I was so dressed up.

We came home and lounged on the couch and watched TV. Then my husband's parents came over and we went out to dinner. So the good news is that I didn't have to cook a single meal today. Now that is the life! No cooking = no dishes to clean. However, my kitchen is somehow still a mess. Since we ate a late breakfast, I fed the kids M & Ms for a mid afternoon snack. I'm sure June would've fed her kids carrot and celery sticks.

Ok. I'll be the first to admit it. My baby is not that cute right now. Well, maybe cute in an "E.T. phone home" sort of way. But I am fully aware that I have one of those babies that people will say is cute, when in my presence, but in my absence say, "Did you see the hair on that baby?"
"Yeah, it was pretty crazy. And I've never seen a baby with such bad acne."
"That mother should really clip that baby's fingernails so her face doesn't get scratched up."

"And where did she get that freakishly long tongue?"

First of all, I'm proud to say my genes provided the nice tongue. And I'm ok with her being in a not-so-cute-stage right now. I still love her. Tulip bulbs aren't that pretty either, but eventually they bloom into beautiful flowers. I'll be patient for her spring to arrive.

My June Cleaver Experiment - Day 3

Data Collection (Day 3):
I noticed that when I get dressed I gravitate to the cotton clothes, no wool or polyester. I also don't want to wear anything with a cinched waist or belt. Too uncomfortable. So basically I like to wear sweat dresses.

I tidied the kitchen tool drawer.

I mended clothes and a blanket.

For dinner I made a teriyaki stir-fry with a side of pineapple chunks and a scoop of ice cream for dinner. Emily ate the chicken, but told me she didn't like the "karaoke" sauce.

Today I wore the pumps. I'm thinking the shoes were just a prop for the show because it would've looked silly to have June barefoot. They were uncomfortable and hurt my pinky toes. Although it did make me feel important to hear the clickety-clack on the wood and tile floors, I felt I little too business-like. I think I might prefer to wear some house slippers. When Jason saw me wearing shoes all day, he thought he needed to wear shoes too. I think he was jealous of my clickety-clack.

My June Cleaver Experiment - Day 2

Data Collection (Day2):
I wonder if June ever felt like she ran around with her head cut off.

Jason killed one of our cordless phones today by dipping it in the toilet.

I did a little more research on June Cleaver by watching 2 episodes of Leave it To Beaver. I need to work on my sparkling kitchen a little more.

I did not make cookies from scratch today, but I did make Rice Krispy treats and brought them to two ladies from church.

I was a little disturbed about the price of wheat rising because of the current wheat shortage, but my frown turned upside down when my mother called to tell me the Fed cut the interest rate another 3/4 of a point.

For dinner I made biscuit sandwiches using ice box biscuits, sliced turkey, and American cheese. I served it with a side of frozen mixed vegetables.

I hope to have a bit more energy tomorrow and try out a different skirt. I don't think June wore the same skirt or dress two days in a row. I also don't feel quite right being barefoot in the house so I think tomorrow I might try wearing pumps.

Finally!!!

Finally Emily painlessly lost her tooth today. It came out as she said the word, "Monday." She was excited to have lost it on St. Patrick's Day. Now if we can just get her to lose its neighbor.

My June Cleaver Experiment

Today is the first day of my week long June Cleaver experiment. This week I am going to dress and behave like June Cleaver from the old time Leave it to Beaver show.

Hypothesis: Looking and behaving like June Cleaver will make me a better housewife and mother.

Procedure: Every day I will wear a skirt, blouse and my pearl necklace. When I cook I will wear an apron. I will kiss my husband as he walks out the door to go to work, fix his collar and hand him his lunchbox. I will treat my children in a sweet and gentle demeanor. I will do my housework with a smile, hum a song, and enjoy it. I will bake cookies at least one day this week from scratch. I will make the beds every day. I will keep my kitchen sparkling clean.

Data Collection (Day 1): Today as I was getting dressed, my oldest daughter inquired why I was wearing a skirt. She knew we attended church yesterday and was a little bit confused. In the morning we tidied the children's rooms. Because this week brings in the spring season we retired the black patent leather shoes and long sleeved velvet dresses and took inventory of the spring attire. After lunch, the children and I watched TV programs about volcanoes, St. Patrick, and doll making. We read a chapter out of the book Ginger Pye by Eleanor Estes. I fixed the traditional Monday night supper of grilled cheese and tomato soup. As a I put on my apron to prepare supper, Wendy looked a bit confused but told me she thought my apron was pretty. Today I balanced supper with a fruit serving of applesauce. It was a swell day!

I must admit that I fell out of character a few times throughout the day. I am certain that June did not chug a Diet Pepsi in 10:30 in the morning, trek out the trash wearing her husband's big rubber flip flops, use I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray on her grilled cheese, nor power cycle her cable modem. I also question whether she ever dozed on the couch while she nursed her infant because our only evidence of her perfection begins when her youngest is eight years old. So after the mishaps of the day, I remind myself that June was a fictional mother of only 2 children. I look forward to day 2.

Ilitteracy will stunt your growth.

I worked with Sarah on reading today. I never realized how she never understood the process of reading words from left to right. I guess she's always thought you look at the pictures in a book and make up the story as you go along. So we went through some beginner books today. I pointed her finger at the words and read them aloud. She was so excited to be on her way to reading. At dinner she exclaimed, "I'm learning to read! My legs are going to get longer!"

I Did It

I nursed my baby in sacrament meeting today. It was the first time in six kids that I've done that. I've never been able to discern whether it was appropriate to risk a potential nipple slip in the most reverent hour of church, but today I took that risk.

The last speaker was speaking before the rest hymn and David took Wendy to go potty. There I sat with five kids, three of them coloring, one of them sucking on an empty bottle, and one of them frustrated at her unproductive rooting. I wasn't sure how long my bouncing her was going to prevent her fussy whimpers tranforming into a loud hunger wail, so I assessed the situation:

Option #1: I could get up from my dead center position in the pew, crawl over the remaining 4 kids, crayons, notebooks, scripture cases, and Honey Nut Toasted Oats and leave the chapel hoping some member of the congregation would be brave enough to supervise my kids until my husband came back.

Do I dare?

Option #2: I could do the same as option #1, but but take the rest of the kids with me.

Too much commotion!

Option #3: Or I could discreetly nurse the baby as I sat on the pew listening to the speaker talk about her family.

Just as I was choosing the third option, my husband came back and the congregation was standing up to sing "Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth." I suppose I could've gone to the lonely Mother's Room at that point, but I went with my decision to whip out the boob underneath the bright pink baby blanket draped over my shoulder. The bustling of everyone standing up and singing helped me to get situated and overcome my fear. I am happy to report that Rachel had a successful snack and no nipple was exposed. It was quite a liberating moment!

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Daddy and his 6 kids

Getting ready to blow out all 37 candles

Call the fire department!

Tonight we celebrated by going to one of Daddy's favorite burger joints. It's a lot of fun going out to eat with all six kids. I imagine it is similar to the lifestyle of a celebrity with people staring and whispering as you walk by. Tonight was an amusement. First there was the oldest, #1, tearing into her hamburger with a plastic fork and shoving each bite as deeply as possible into her mouth to avoid any possible contact with her two front dangling baby teeth that she refuses to pull. Then there was #2 dipping all the fingers of his right hand into his ketchup cup and delightfully licking each one, as he avoided telling us that he disliked his hot dog. #3 patiently waiting for her turn to get a refill of Sprite instead of orange soda. #4 dancing on her chair to Phil Collin's "Easy Lover" and Madonna's "Material Girl" while eating french fries, her hot dog, and the rest of Bradley's hot dog. #5 with his 1cm round dark red scab on the tip of his nose happily eating french fries as he tries to stand up in his high chair. #6 nursing under the pink thermal blanket as her mother avoids exposing the post partum roll of belly fat to the other patrons. And finally Daddy, thoroughly enjoying his juicy burger, french fries and Diet Coke with a splash of Dr. Pepper. Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Best Job in the World!

Flashback:
Last night I watched a recorded episode of Aliens in America. It reminded me of the time when my high school homeroom class took a class period to go the computer lab and take a career aptitude test. Eager to find out what I should be, I very accurately answered each of the 100 questions. This was certainly going to help me determine where to apply to college. So upon finishing my last question and hitting the 'enter' button, I waited. I was so hoping to get my dream careers of architect or movie director. Some kids around me were already receiving their results and shouting out their long individual lists of fabulous careers:

"Lawyer! Pilot! Accountant! ..."
"Pharmacist! Veterinarian! Nurse! ..."
"Professor! Writer! Inventor!..."

Oh goody! I was so excited. Finally the computer software finished thinking and spit out my single destiny:

"Fork Lift Operator"

Fighting the tears, I quickly shut down my computer. When the other kids asked me about my future success, I think I told them my computer wasn't working and I forced myself to believe it as well. I don't remember much after that point. All I knew as a 17 year old pubescent adolescent was that I was destined for loserdom.

Flash Forward to Present:
Now as I reflect upon the activities of my day and think about me feeding my 17 month old son his serving of macaroni and cheese at lunch, I realize that my computer in the computer lab wasn't broken after all because I'm a pretty darn good Fork Lift Operator. Thank you very much!

Dumb Criminals

Bradley is a bright kid. However, sometimes I question his common sense, like today when I saw his name neatly printed in ballpoint pen on the wooden playroom shelves. If you're going to write on the furniture, certainly don't write your name. Duh! Usually when I come across scribbles here and there I assume the guilty party is a clueless toddler and don't punish after the fact. Instead I blame myself for leaving out the pen. But when I came across this rather advanced scribble today I yelled, "Whooaa! Bradley! What is this?" pointing to the B-R-a-D-L-e-y.
With puppy dog eyes he said, "Sorry."
He failed to win my sympathy. I replied, "When did you do this? Yesterday? Two weeks ago? When you were 4? When???!!!"
Keeping his puppy dog eyes and pointing his index finger to the corner of his mouth as if to give some thought he said, "I think I did it in February."

My Little Pony Mania

If you want your kids to sit still for 80 minutes, I recommend drugging them with the My Little Pony - Pony Puppy and Other Stories DVD. We checked it out from the library this weekend and my kids were mesmerized by it. It was such a great flashback to bad 80's animation. My favorite episode is "Bright Lights." Just a brief synopsis:

Baby Heart Throb, Baby Lofty and Baby Half Note want to sing backup for Knight Shade (the hot pop singing pony with a totally dreamy and luscious purple mane.) But to their dismay, he has stolen their shadows, which contain all of their energy and substance. The Ponies soon discover that the evil wizard Arabus is behind Knight Shade's behavior, and now it's up to the Flutter Ponies to save the day.

The best part is when the mean Greyvale pony gang comes to threaten Knight Shade and they break out in a mean song:

We're gonna make you sorry
We're gonna kick up a fuss
We're gonna make you sorry
You tangled with us

We'll make you regret the day
You stole our shadows away
You chose a nasty game to play
And now we're gonna make you pay
a yay yay yay yay yay yay yay...

We're gonna make you sorry
We're gonna do it to you
We're gonna make you sorry
And when we are through
No one in this world
Will be as gloomy and forlorn

We're gonna make you sorry
You wanna know how sorry?
You're gonna be real sorry!
Sorry you were ever born!
Sorry you were ever born!
You'll be sorry you were ever born!

Ouch! That's harsh!

Anyway, now I totally have the hots for Knight Shade!

Called to Repentence

I am a sinner. I covet my neighbor's gardener. Every Tuesday afternoon I look out my kitchen window and grow green with envy of the team of happy little Colombians driving their industrial size lawn mowers and working their gasoline powered edgers. They can do in 5 minutes what takes me an entire Saturday afternoon. It's just not fair. I want a team of happy little Colombians to make my yard look pretty. I must repent and get me one.

Tonight I went to an event at church for women only. It's funny how the women with small children are the ones who linger the latest.

A Feminine Dinner

Monday night is grilled cheese on paper plate night. The quicker the cleanup, the more time we have for Family Home Evening. Sarah loves grilled cheese sandwiches and looks forward to dinner on Monday nights. This evening Wendy pushed her plate of half eaten grilled cheese away from herself and said, "I don't like it!"
Astonished, Sarah said, "Why? It's so yummy! It's got cheese inside. And it's girl cheese!"

No More Newborn Baby Butt

I think my baby used up her cuteness within her first 6 weeks of life. She's got some crazy spiky hair and a face full of baby acne. I know. It's just a phase.

She also lost her newborn baby butt. It is no longer the skinny pink shallow crevice it used to be. It is white and a tad bit pudgy. My baby is growing up!

Blog Stalking

The other day I was editing my Blogger profile and discovered that if you click on the words in the Interests, Favorite Movies, Favorite Music, and Favorite Books sections, it will bring you to a list of other Bloggers that have that same word in their profile. So the other night I met Shauna. She is a stay-at-home mom and she homeschools her 5 children. Cool. She is an advocate of unassisted birthing. Curious, I decided to check out her website. This opened up a whole new world to me. Don't get me wrong. I will most likely always choose to have my babies in a hospital regardless of how uncomfortable the beds are and despite the fact the hospital does not offer HDTV and TiVo. But, WOW! there are women out there that willingly give birth and actually catch their own babies, without a doctor or midwife, at home in front of their older children, while their husband snaps photos . She did warn me that the pictures would be graphic. Anyway, Shauna is very into being "natural" and she's very pretty. If you would like to meet Shauna just add "having babies" to the Interests section of your Blogger profile.

Others who like "having babies":
Milkmaidwench - a 33 year old New Zealander who strangely doesn't have a blog.

Carey - a Christian diabetic whose profile reminded me that I like ABBA too. She's a failed Blogger with only 3 posts and the last one dated June 2005. Where are you Carey? Making babies?

The Rich Family - Mrs. Rich is a gorgeous 24 year old Barbie doll with 4 kids.

I have given some thought to having a baby at home (with professional assistance), however, I just don't think it would be the same. I would miss being woken up by the rattling wheels of the portable baby crib as they bring the baby to my room for her 2 am feeding. I would miss being asked, "Baked Fish or Chef Salad?" I would miss the sound of the baby's heartbeat on the monitor as she gets ready for her big arrival. I would miss having someone draw my bath and change my sheets. I would miss the soft crunchy ice pellets and styrofoam cups. I would miss the all-you-can-drink Diet Coke, cranberry juice, orange juice, and apple juice and all-you-can-eat graham crackers and saltines. I would miss my walks down the sterile white halls. I would miss being wheeled out of the hospital by an old man and all the old ladies admiring my newborn baby. I would miss being supervised as I swallowed a $25 Motrin. Most of all I would miss my 2 day vacation when I can catch up on my People magazines and take a ridiculously long shower or bath without hearing the word "Mommy!"

New Lubricant

The oil in the car was successfully changed today. D.L. worked his magic and gave me a safety plug. Let's hope it works.

You would think by the sixth kid I would know to be prepared for "blow-out" moments. Rachel had a blow out on our outing and oozed poop on her clothing. I had no change of clothes for her and only one blanket. Thankfully I brought a diaper and wipes. So I undressed her, changed her diaper, and nursed my naked baby in the lube shop.

I also had my post partum 6 week check up this morning. Everything is back to normal. I got the pap smeared and the doctor asked, "Birth Control?"
I said, "No, thank you."
With a subtle roll of the eyes and slight nod of the head he said, "See you next year," when deep down inside he knew it would probably be sooner than that.

Sarah's Random Quote of the Day

My 3rd daughter is famous in our family for blurting out random things. Today a fire truck raced past our house with its sirens. With big eyes Sarah told all of us, "When it's my friend's birthday, her house is on fire."

I'm old and cheating on my grocery store.

I'm envious of my kid's collagen. As I squeezed my 16 month old son's cheeks today I wished mine were as supple as his. The last 7 years of sleep deprivation haven't worked any favors on my facial skin. I think I might have to bite the bullet and spend $17 on a 1 ounce bottle of lotion that claims to have age defying effects. The good news is that two local grocery stores have Olay products on sale this week which reminds me of a dream I had last night. I dreamed that my favorite grocery store called and left a nasty and threatening message on my answering machine because I shopped at their competitor's store. They threatened that they would not honor any of my coupons anymore. I woke up very upset. I really must be a 30-something housewife.

Who needs Barbies?

My kids love playing with batteries. There's Papa D, Mama C, kid AAs, baby AAAs, and puppy 9 volt.

Sarah showed me a picture that she drew of me and said, "Mommy, that's you. You're shouting."

Uh oh. My kid thinks I'm a tyrant.

I reluctantly asked, "Why am I shouting?"

"Oh. You were asking me to help you with something."

Phew! Not a tyrant, just a slave driver.

Murphy's Law Part Deux

I washed the girl's sheets on Saturday. I have a schedule to wash them on the first of every month. I know this frequency might not be up to Martha Stewart's standards, but I very much dislike washing sheets and making beds. This morning Emily said to me, "Mommy, I think you might need to wash my sheets again. I peed last night because I was dreaming that I was on the toilet." It gave me a flash of deja vu. She was very sweet about it so I couldn't help but smile and think about revising my schedule to an "as needed" basis.

The Joy of Analytics

Occassionally I like to check my Google Analytics to see what search terms brought people to my website. Here are my favorites:

• do pregnant women poop their pants
• girl with panties stuck in her butt cheeks
• mature pooping pants
• peed his pants gym class
• shaving my pubes with electric clipper
• dehydrated placenta service
• farting poop diaper
• is it wrong to expect my husband to get me flowers on my birthday
• malinda had a baby at the age 5
• melinda bigboob
• melinda boob
• melinda pee
• mommy boobs in beth
• placenta lasagna
• rash between butt cheeks
• I would like to wet my pants but what will mom say

*Sigh!* I think I might talk too much about poop and boobs.

My Cynical Saturday

I know this post is kind of long, but I had to vent about my day:

I went to get the oil changed in the car today. We hit the 5000 mile mark a couple weeks ago and David took it in, but they couldn't change it because it needed to be "evacuated" and they didn't have the equipment at the moment. So I called the lube shop this morning to ask if they had the equipment and the woman replied, "Yes, maam." So I got there, waited about 20 minutes and the greasy, dirty employee came to me and told me that they couldn't change my oil because they needed to order another part to be able to reach the bottom of my oil pan. Apparently at our last oil change in May 2007 somebody wrote on the cross bar beneath our car "DO NOT TOUCH PLUG" in 2 inch tall letters with yellow puffy paint along with a nice big puffy yellow "X" next to the oil plug. This means that they have to empty the oil from the top with some sort of vacuum which is typical of foreign cars, but we have a good 'ol American Ford.

What in the world???

We have never taken our car to any other place for an oil change and of course the place won't admit to having painted that there.

Grrrrr!

So I grumpily got into the car and drove to the Ford dealership. It was 2:30pm and the service hours stickered on the door read 8am - 3pm.

Good!

I walked in and said I needed an oil change and the employee said they were closing up shop and he couldn't do it.

What? The sign says 3:00! If you are going to turn people away at 2:30 then post 2:30 on the door! Grrrr!

I even pathetically squeezed some tears out and more pathetically said, "Pleeeease!" He told me very unsympathetically I could beg all I wanted, but it wasn't going to happen. I at least got him to look under my car at the puffy paint lettering and give me his opinion as to what that meant. He had no idea and gave me his business card.

Thanks a bunch, man.

Then...I drove to another lube shop and I explained the issue to the guy and he didn't think it would be any problem. Meanwhile I sat in the waiting area and called the first lube shop and asked them to find the sticker that was on my windshield that they had thrown away that would give me a clue as to who was responsible for making the underside of my car looked like a 1990s cheerleading camp T shirt. They called me back and told me they couldn't find it.

Of course! Because you know that my last oil change was there and are embarrassed that somebody painted a warning in bright yellow puffy paint.

I told them I would be there in a few minutes to come look for it myself and hung up the phone. Finally I hear, "Ford Escape."

Yes!, my oil had been successfully changed.

"Maam. I need to talk to you about your car."

Uh oh.

"We couldn't do the oil change. We just don't have the right equipment. You might want to try Firestone down the street."

Uh huh. Right. Basically you're telling me that my car has been turned into a piece of crap, by some puffy paint psycho.

So then I drove back to the first lube shop, parked my car, and walked toward the building. The obviously annoyed lady motioned me to the garage and said, "Have at it!" referring to my search of the lost windshield sticker. I looked in the first nasty, greasy trash can and it had obviously been emptied. There wasn't a single windshield sticker in there after an entire day of oil changes. Just some cellophane wrapping.

Do they think I'm stupid? Probably.

So I asked one of the greasy men where they might throw away a windshield sticker. One guy obviously knew about the situation and gave me a clue that I wasn't going to find it and told me to bring the car back on Friday and he would check out my car's oil plug. Perhaps he is the puffy paint pscho. Anyway, that is what I will do. But wait...that's not quite all. As I was driving out of the parking lot, my husband called me on the cell phone and to tell me that the other lube shop called our home to let me know that they forgot to put the dipstick back in my car.

@##$%^^$%#$@$#@! What the freak?

Finally after 2 hours of chasing around town I make it to the grocery store and accomplished something (I got 3 jars of Peter Pan Peanut Butter for $0.25 each thanks to my sale and coupon shopping) and then to Walmart to return the two boxes of Huggies Supreme Natural Fit diapers that my inexperienced diaper-buying husband mistakingly bought. I failed to inform him to not buy the supreme diapers. I don't see the point in supreme diapers. Supposedly they

"are shaped to fit more naturally so your baby is really free."

Um...yeah my baby is plenty free, thank you. Do you have any "brick fit" to prevent my baby from climbing on the kitchen table or busting down the baby gate? Now for that I might pay an extra six cents per diaper.

Ok. I feel better now.

Hallelujah!

The baby miraculously slept from 10PM to 7AM last night. I actually had a decent night's rest besides having to tend to Jason at 4:30 AM. He was requesting a reassembly of his bottle that he disassembled before falling asleep. Jason doesn't quite understand the concept of a pacifier. He much prefers sucking on an empty bottle. Whatever works!

Vocabulary Lesson

I played Mad Libs with my kids yesterday. It was a good combination of fun and education. I got a bit bored with their choice of nouns and adjectives though. Come on, kids. House? Couch? Blue? Pink? I had to do it. I had to introduce them to how to really play Mad Libs. Now my kids can spell poop, boobies, stinky, and farty. They caught on quickly. After language arts class we moved onto food science and ate Cookie Dough ice cream, saved the cookie dough pieces and baked tiny cookies.

"Honey, I'm Home!"

Store brand Honey Nut Toasted oats were on sale at the grocery store. I told David to buy all that they had. He came home with 2 dozen boxes. If times get tough, we'll be eating lots of cereal and tuna!

I'm Getting Old

I'm getting old. The American Idol boy contestants are "cute" not "hot", I have hemorroids, I am falling asleep during prime time, and last night I dreamt I was knitting. I'm going to buy some prunes, yarn, and Preparation H this weekend.

I think I am going to stick with Blogger for little while longer. I've got too many other things to do right now like take care of my kids and write food storage hymns. Motherhood has got to be the best job in the world. Tonight I sat on the couch and held my baby as I watched Spy Hard.

"You're going to look like Swiss cheese when they find you!"
"That's no Gouda!"

Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Agent WD-40: D.C.

~INSERT ELEVATOR MUSIC~

Excuse me for not posting. I think I am going to make the switch to Wordpress. I need a moment to think.

Stay tuned.

Testing

Testing

I've Been Tagged

Thank goodness I've been tagged because I didn't have anything to write about today.

Here's the ABC's of me. If your name is under T, it's your turn.

A-Attached or Single: Single. Just gave birth and loving having my body all to myself.
B-Best Friend: My husband
C-Cake or Pie: Is cheesecake pie or cake?
D-Day of Choice: Friday/ Date Night
E-Essential Item: King size bed
F-Favorite TV Show: The Brady Bunch
G-Gummie Bears or Worms: Gummy worm buried in a flower pot of chocolate cake and crushed Oreos
H-Hometown: Rochester, NY
I-Indulgence: Pedicure and new clothes
J-January or July: July because it's warm.
K-Kids: Emily, Bradley, Sarah, Wendy, Jason, Rachel ...
L-Life is incomplete without: kids, M&Ms, ice cream cones, roller coasters
M-Marriage Date: April 21, 2000
N-Number of Siblings: 1 older brother and 1 older sister
O-Oranges or Apples: oranges - big, juicy and seedless
P-Phobias or Fears: hypochondria; hitting a pedestrian with my car; being chased and attacked by the Fruit of the Loom apple and green grapes
Q-Quote: "Just do it"
R-Reason to Smile: kids, family, Disneyland
T-Tag: Amber - she's the only person who reads my blog who has a blog (that I know of)
U-Unknown fact about me: I'm a highly evolved human with only 3 wisdom teeth.
V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Omnivore
W-Worst Habit: Interupting my husband when he's talking; leaving junk on the printer, leaving the toilet seat lid up (all pointed out to me by my husband)
X-X-rays or Ultrasounds: Ultrasound
Y-Your Favorite Food: Japanese OR 7 oz. Flo's Filet with Ceasar salad, baked sweet potato, hot baked bread, Mr. Pibb, and a Chocolate Stampede.
Z-Your Zodiac: Cancer

A Mardi Gras Retro Post

So I'm just too tired today to find anything remotely cute, amusing, or interesting. But I posted this picture of Jason celebrating Mardi Gras on Feb. 5.

Oink

Tonight we celebrated David's mom's stay here. We went to a very yummy steakhouse. We concluded the meal with the obligatory Chocolate Stampede. The eight of us ravaged it like a flock of vultures. In the middle of the decadent dessert feast Wendy shouted, "Mommy!" And I said "Yes?" And with her characteristic cheesy smile and chocolate mousse covered lips she very proudly said, "I a pig!"

This is the way we wash our linens...all on a Sunday evening.

A little over 2 years ago David and I upgraded to a king size mattress. (Best purchase ever!) At Bed Bath & Beyond I debated over whether to buy the $30 regular mattress pad or the $80 waterproof one. I figured since we have small children and plan to have small children for many more years, that the extra $50 was a worthwhile investment to protect my pretty new white mattress. Today that investment proved its worth. As we awoke from our family nap on the master bed, Bradley commented, "Daddy, my leg is wet." Sure enough Sarah had predictably peed on our quilt, the quilt under the quilt, the blanket under the two quilts, the flat sheet, and the fitted sheet right through to the mattress pad. Now I get to spend the rest of my Sabbath day doing 5 loads of laundry. I'll be sure to sing some hymns as I do my happy Sabbath cleaning.

The Pumpkin Grape

The picture is kind of blurry, but it's the best one I got. The kids found this grape in the bunch today. It's kind of like Siamese octuplet grapes. Way cool!

A Belly Button is Born

The baby lost her umbilical cord today. Yeah! She's 3 weeks + 3 days old.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

One Reason We Don't Have Pets

"Wendy did it!"

The other reasons:

1. If we are going to feed another mouth, it might as well be a human's.

2. We've got enough potty training to do.

3. Don't want to find a pet sitter when we go on vacation.

4. We already have a security system.

5. The kid's haven't asked for one.

6. We'd have to fence our yard in (for a dog.)

7. I don't want to be forced to exercise at 6am (or at all for that matter.)

8. Our house already stinks enough.

Isn't She Beautiful?

And while I'm bragging, I must finally break down and boast about my baby's tongue. I've been holding back the past few weeks, too afraid I might render some unnecessary envy in other mothers. But I must admit my baby has the most beautiful, long, and succulent tongue. It was apparent immediately at birth. Take a look:

No Bikini Model Yet

I have a baby with a stubborn umbilical cord. I was told 2 weeks is the average time it takes for the stump to fall off. She is 3 weeks old today. My oldest daughter is extremely grossed out by the nasty, black, crusty, but also pussy stump. Today as I was examining it to see if there was any hope that it would fall off before swimsuit season, I felt a sucker punch to my upper left arm. I turned to the culprit, Emily, and asked, "What the heck was that for?" She gave a disgusted grimace and said, "Don't touch that!" This is also the same kid whose two front loose baby teeth are turning yellow in death because she refuses to wiggle them out. I think it is safe to guess she will not become a doctor or dentist.

Answer to Yesterday's Word Problem

Answer: 270 "Mommy!"'s

Bonus Question Answer:
There's no telling because if I tune them out I can't count them. However, an educated guess would be 250.

Word Problem

Today I had a goal of counting how many times Wendy said, "Mommy!" in her little munchkin voice. The experiment began at 7am. I counted to the 30th "Mommy!" when at 8am I began to inadvertently tune them out and lose count. So can you figure out today's word problem?

Word Problem:
Assuming 2 year old Wendy maintains an average rate of 30 "Mommy!"'s per hour, how many "Mommy!"'s will be spoken during her 9 waking hours?

Bonus Question:
How many "Mommy!"'s will be tuned out by her mother?

Answer will be revealed tomorrow.

I have a 16 month old insomniac

I don't know how Jason functions on so little sleep. Last night as David and I were retiring to bed at about 1am, we walked past the boy's room and Jason was sitting straight up in his crib, babbling away. He continued to talk for the next hour .....and the next hour .....and the next hour. I heard him at 4am still carrying on a one-sided conversation. Unfortunately, I had difficulting sleeping as well, worrying about the fact that my child is a freak. I thought surely he would be difficult to wake up this morning. But he was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7am. I decided this morning I'll attibute the insomnia to what any good great-grandma or grandma would say, "He must be teething," or "He was probably hungry."

Excited About Tuna

I got home from the grocery store last night at 10:00pm, excited to tell my husband about my great deal on tuna. Tuna deals are hard to come by, so when I saw that I could get 4 cans/ $1.00, I loaded up the cart. However, when I checked out, the manager came up to me and told me that there was a limit of one deal per customer. What?! I told him I would only take four. So he and the teenage checker unloaded the unwanted tuna cans onto the vacant checkout stand. Then as the checker continued to check out the rest of my items, the manager had a brilliant idea that allowed him to give me all 84 cans of tuna for $0.25 each. You rock Donny Taylor! He even helped me out to my car and unloaded them in my trunk. I am so stoked to have saved $33.62 on tuna! The young, single girl behind me commented that it was a lifetime supply of tuna. But I estimate that it is about a 6 month supply for our family. I should've bought more.

Also, I paid $0.09 for an 18oz. jar of peanut butter (Buy One Get One Free + $1.00 off coupon.) And Bradley's favorite chicken nuggets were on sale. I love grocery bargains! Overall I got about $170 worth of groceries for $95. Now, that's what I call "shopping!"

A Daddyless Breakfast

Daddy attended a church broadcast this morning. I let the kids get their own breakfast. Somebody chose a bowlful of Goldfish. Wendy poured herself some Froot Loops.



I learned from Jason's leftovers that if there is no loop in a Froot Loop, he won't eat it.

Don't forget please, thank you and nicely.

The other day Wendy wanted a cup of water at dinner. She asked David and me and we both replied, "Later. Let us finish our dinner." She continued to complain so I finally said to her, "I'll bet Sarah will help you. Why don't you ask her nicely?" With a look of agreement Wendy turned to her older sister and sweetly asked, "Sarah, will you get me some water, nicely?"

Cable Frustration

Woo hoo! I think my internet frustrations have come to halt. I have been neglecting my blog recently because my internet and/or computer have been functioning at dial-up speeds, despite the fact that we have cable internet service. This morning our connection was completely gone and I called Comcast and the lady must have pushed her magic button after we power cycled our modem and router because everything was solved. I feel like I am surfing the web at ligntning speeds. Just had to tell you all that.

Congratulations to Baby Gunter! So glad he finally arrived!

A Mardi Gras Celebration

Today Jason got into the spirit of Mardi Gras.

Our First Annual Puppy Bowl Party

Most Americans sat and watched the Super Bowl this evening. Our family watched Puppy Bowl IV on Animal Planet HD. The kids really enjoyed it.

Murphy's Law

Yesterday when I was on my cleaning binge, two main chores I accomplished were washing the girls' bedding and mopping the kitchen floor. Last night Emily puked on her nice clean sheets and Bradley spilled 2 quarts of pink lemonade on my nice clean tile floor. Sigh! You gotta love those kids!

Happy 4th Birthday, Sarah!

A Chair Full of Treasures

Today is my mom's last day here, so I decided to get a head start on my spring cleaning. I vacuumed and Febreezed the couch and chair. As I scooped out the sides and back of the chair, I found a multitude of items. Here is my list:

2 toy curling irons
1 calculator (now I can return the one I bought last night)
2 fake gold coins
2 green colored pencils
1 large Lincoln Log
1 Barbie playing card
1 stencil ruler
1 Mickey Mouse memory card
1 mini tambourine
1 triangle Magna Doodle piece
1 lavender hair bow
1 Cherokee clothing tag (clearance)
1 orange crayon with wrapper
1 orange crayon without wrapper
1 necklace
1 red counting bear
1 piece of green balloon
1 red rubber band
1 yellow rubber band
5 staples
1 AA battery
pine needles
1 chocolate chip
1/2 M&M
1 mini princess crown
1 green button
the battery cover for the cable remote control
1 yellow Aqua Dot
1 used Band Aid
1 mini pine cone
1 toy pizza cutter blade
1.5 inches of pink curling ribbon
1 tiger magnet
1 Christmas tree hook
1 Minnie Mouse picture
1 rubber bumper from a cupboard door
1 Capital One fake credit card

...and yes, I just spent 10 minutes or so documenting all that.

Rachel - 8 days old

Our Boy, "Gordo"

Jason has adopted several nicknames associated with his hefty stature, most of them initiated by his father. Today Sarah was helping make tuna salad for lunch when her little brother invaded her stool at the counter. Sarah shouted in a sing-song voice, "Dad-dy! There's a chunk-of-boy on my stoo-ool!"

The "chunk-of-boy"

Boring B Cup

My big boob honeymoon is over. My body efficiently adjusted to its milk supply and returned to a comfortble B cup. I guess I won't get that job at Hooters.

I saved $20

The pediatrician likes to schedule an appointment a few days after birth, mostly to check the baby's weight. The doctor likes a baby to gain back to the hospital discharge weight by one week. Since I had a Thursday discharge from the hospital, I got lucky and didn't have to go until Monday. But today when I woke up, I realized how much I did not want to take Rachel to the doctor today. It was cold, my pelvis is still sore, and most of all I didn't want to pay a $20 copay to have a nurse weigh my baby. So, I got out my trusty postage scale and cake pan and weighed her myself. She achieved her goal and weighs 7 lbs. 11 oz. So I called the doctor's office, and rescheduled for next Monday. $20 can buy a lot of diapers.

Yesterday Bradley came across some flashcards in the playroom. He asked me what they were and I said, "Flashcards." He asked me why they were called "flashcards" and I told him because they flashed and that I would show him how to use them tomorrow because we were in a hurry to clean up. Today he didn't forget our conversation and he brought me the flashcards and said, "Mommy, remember you were going to show me how these flashed?" I think he was bit disappointed to learn that the paper cards did not light up and blink as he was expecting.

We had a regional conference at church today. We watched a broadcast on a TV at church. President Monson was presiding and he spoke and told lots of stories. I didn't realize what a funny old man he was. He talked about how children are the most impressionable and retentive between the ages of birth to eight with the most important age being age three. Sarah turns four on Friday which means I have 4 more days to cram as much information in her as possible. He also talked about how memories become the June roses in the December stage of life. It brought a tear to my eye.

Today Bradley found my used and soaked nursing pad on the floor beside the bed. He asked, "Mommy, what's this?" I told him it was a boobie diaper.

Gotta love engorgement

Despite the pain and discomfort, I love engorgement! It's just a lot of fun for an A cup (borderline B cup) woman to have D boobs for a few days.

The Welcome Committee

Our Six Kids

7 lbs. 12 oz.
20 inches
5:45am

Last night David and I hung out in the parking lot of the hospital. I just felt funny. My back had a tingly sensation and I felt like my water was about to burst. At about 10:00pm I made the executive decision to go home and attempt to get a good night rest in our comfortable bed before my scheduled induction at 6:30am.

I slept as good as a nine month pregnant woman can. I awoke a few times with a full bladder, but no contractions. At 3:16am I awoke with a long, painful contraction. It was only one contraction, but I felt prompted to nudge David and tell him to wake up and get ready. We were planning to get up at 5:30am anyway, so I thought it wouldn't hurt for us to be a couple of hours ahead of schedule.

He took a shower while I folded some laundry. I didn't have any more contractions. When he was through with his shower, I took my shower and David rested some more. I debated whether or not to wash my hair and decided I wanted to look my best on delivery day so it got washed. I still felt fine when I finished my shower, however, when I began to blow dry my hair, I felt a tinge of pain in the uterus. I noted the time was 3:50am. I continued to dry my hair and felt another one. The time was 3:53am. I continued my beauty routine through a few more contractions. I was not going to leave the house with my hair not finished. Finally, I got my hair completely dry shortly after 4:00am. By then I was kneeling on the floor smoothing the stray hairs, trying to avoid gravity doing its work. Pleased with my appearance, make-up and all, I said, "David, let's get out of here!"

We went downstairs, woke my mom to tell her we were leaving, grabbed a couple of bananas and granola bars and got in the car. I called the doctor's answering service and spoke with the doctor-on-call. I warned her that my babies have a tendency to come quickly. I calmy endured approximately 3-4 contractions during our 15 minute drive to the hospital. David dropped me off at the emergency room and I knocked on the plexiglass window trying to get the attention of the gabbing gals of our town's rather uneventful ER. The security guard/ wheelchair driver had to go get the woman. At that point, David came running in and the woman said she needed my ID and insurance card. I said, "You better get me up to the maternity floor before this baby is born right here." Then David pointed to the entrance of the ER and said, "We had a baby born right there." So the wheelchair driver quickly got me up to the floor while David stayed to give my info. I wasn't real comfortable leaving David behind and I asked the man if he had ever delivered a baby before. We arrived to the floor and they got me a room at the end of the hall. I was relieved to at least be in a room, with a staff of experienced professionals close at hand. David arrived and I got on my gown. A nurse examined me and I was dilated 8 cm. They did the whole IV thing and asked me questions while I took pauses to breathe during contractions. It was about 5am when the doctor arrived. She predicted it wouldn't be long before the baby would arrive.

I didn't like when the nurses left the room so I pressed the nurse's button everytime I had a contraction. Finally I asked them to stay and put the stirrups up. I didn't want to have another incident like when Emily was born when David had to go in the hall and call for the nurses and they didn't come until they heard me screaming due to a crowning head. So they stayed with me from about 5:15am until the time of birth at 5:45am. At about 5:35 am they had me begin pushing. I pushed. She said it would probably take a couple more pushes. Another contraction began and I gave it my all. I had never pushed so hard to get a baby out. My other babies, especially Wendy and Jason, just slipped right out without any effort. But I pushed and I got her out. She was here and was a whoppin 7 lbs. 12 oz - about a pound heavier than we were all estimating.

Rachel was an OP (Occiput Posterior) birth which means that she came out "sunny side up" or "face to pubes." OP births also typically involve longer and more painful labors. However, despite the increased pain and increased pushing it took to get her out, her positioning turned out to be a blessing. The doctor said that we may not have made it to the hospital if she had been positioned normally. But no more OP babies, please!

So all went well. It was a nice time of day to have a baby. I prefer to have a baby when the doctor does not have office hours. My own doctor has yet to deliver one of my children. He missed the birth by 1 hour and 15 minutes. Perhaps he will deliver our grand finale. I am pleased to know that Rachel has a natural birthday, no induction required.

4:43am: Only one more hour of looking like a whale. I'm a little disappointed I didn't get a better belly shot before changing into my gown. I just didn't know how much time we had to spare. I can't believe how huge I look!

6:08am: The hair got a little messed up, but I think it looks pretty good.

12:09pm: We celebrated with Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm on a rampage. I can't stop cleaning!

Why am I still pregnant?

Turbo Nesting

I'm in turbo nesting mode. I've vacuumed the family room, including under the couch and chair. We finally put the Christmas stuff in the attic. It got to the point where it was getting difficult for me to squeeze my big fat belly between the railing and the 4 foot Christmas tree at the top of the stairs. I have all the dishes put away. I even emptied the dishwasher while the dishes were still hot. I scoured the kitchen sink. The baby's crib is in place in the master bedroom. There are of course a few things that need to be completed like some more organization in the playroom and sweeping the kitchen floor, but I'm just plain tired! As long as this baby does not come tonight, I can work on those things tomorrow. I think we have even settled on a middle name. Now I am off to eat an orange and watch American Idol with my husband. Any day now, baby!

Gotta love kids-eat-free at Moe's night! A 38 week and 3 day pregnant woman totally deserves a night off from cooking.

Went to the doctor today. My cervix is still "thick and back." I go back on Monday. If my cervix is ripe and ready, he'll induce me on the 22nd. I don't like the thought of being induced, but it sure beats having this baby on the kitchen floor, with my kids as an audience.

Totally thought I was going to have a baby today. At about 12:30am this morning, right after we rang in the new year, I stopped ignoring the persistent contractions I had been feeling. Being New Year's Eve David and I decided to go hang out closer to the hospital to be safe. I didn't want to be on the road in labor with a bunch of drunks at 3 am. On the way, I called the doctor and they told me to go to the ER. I wasn't actually expecting to be admitted to the hospital, but I got a L&D room and was there for 5 hours contracting about every 3-4 minutes. They weren't extremely painful contractions, but some produced enough pain for me to stop and concentrate on breathing. At about 6 am when we were on our fourth episode of the Twilight Zone marathon the contractions all of sudden quit. The doctor examined me a couple of hours later and determined that there had been no progression, and sent me on my merry way. I was a little disappointed. I was quite excited to be having a baby on January 1st, but we went home, saw my parents and sister off to the airport on their way home, welcomed David's parents in, and took a nice nap. I never experienced false labor before. Darn baby! When are you going to come out?

David and I each give each kid a book for Christmas every year. They are usually non-kid books from the bargain section at Barnes and Noble. Bradley and Emily are going through the typical childhood "infinity" phase where they love to add infinity to every conversation. Bradley was super excited when he received the book, Infinity in Your Pocket, from Daddy. This is the video of him opening it.

Church Talent Show

Here is our musical number for the church talent show. I totally biffed the end on the piano, but the kids did a great job!

Here's a slide show that shows the effort that went into the Christmas Photo.

Christmas Card Photo

Here is our Christmas photo that we are sending with our cards. This is take #327 out of the 330 photos we shot in 11 minutes. It's hard getting 5 small children to cooperate! The real photo has a caption that says, "... to the World! Merry Christmas 2007!