My June Cleaver Experiment

Today is the first day of my week long June Cleaver experiment. This week I am going to dress and behave like June Cleaver from the old time Leave it to Beaver show.

Hypothesis: Looking and behaving like June Cleaver will make me a better housewife and mother.

Procedure: Every day I will wear a skirt, blouse and my pearl necklace. When I cook I will wear an apron. I will kiss my husband as he walks out the door to go to work, fix his collar and hand him his lunchbox. I will treat my children in a sweet and gentle demeanor. I will do my housework with a smile, hum a song, and enjoy it. I will bake cookies at least one day this week from scratch. I will make the beds every day. I will keep my kitchen sparkling clean.

Data Collection (Day 1): Today as I was getting dressed, my oldest daughter inquired why I was wearing a skirt. She knew we attended church yesterday and was a little bit confused. In the morning we tidied the children's rooms. Because this week brings in the spring season we retired the black patent leather shoes and long sleeved velvet dresses and took inventory of the spring attire. After lunch, the children and I watched TV programs about volcanoes, St. Patrick, and doll making. We read a chapter out of the book Ginger Pye by Eleanor Estes. I fixed the traditional Monday night supper of grilled cheese and tomato soup. As a I put on my apron to prepare supper, Wendy looked a bit confused but told me she thought my apron was pretty. Today I balanced supper with a fruit serving of applesauce. It was a swell day!

I must admit that I fell out of character a few times throughout the day. I am certain that June did not chug a Diet Pepsi in 10:30 in the morning, trek out the trash wearing her husband's big rubber flip flops, use I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray on her grilled cheese, nor power cycle her cable modem. I also question whether she ever dozed on the couch while she nursed her infant because our only evidence of her perfection begins when her youngest is eight years old. So after the mishaps of the day, I remind myself that June was a fictional mother of only 2 children. I look forward to day 2.

Ilitteracy will stunt your growth.

I worked with Sarah on reading today. I never realized how she never understood the process of reading words from left to right. I guess she's always thought you look at the pictures in a book and make up the story as you go along. So we went through some beginner books today. I pointed her finger at the words and read them aloud. She was so excited to be on her way to reading. At dinner she exclaimed, "I'm learning to read! My legs are going to get longer!"

I Did It

I nursed my baby in sacrament meeting today. It was the first time in six kids that I've done that. I've never been able to discern whether it was appropriate to risk a potential nipple slip in the most reverent hour of church, but today I took that risk.

The last speaker was speaking before the rest hymn and David took Wendy to go potty. There I sat with five kids, three of them coloring, one of them sucking on an empty bottle, and one of them frustrated at her unproductive rooting. I wasn't sure how long my bouncing her was going to prevent her fussy whimpers tranforming into a loud hunger wail, so I assessed the situation:

Option #1: I could get up from my dead center position in the pew, crawl over the remaining 4 kids, crayons, notebooks, scripture cases, and Honey Nut Toasted Oats and leave the chapel hoping some member of the congregation would be brave enough to supervise my kids until my husband came back.

Do I dare?

Option #2: I could do the same as option #1, but but take the rest of the kids with me.

Too much commotion!

Option #3: Or I could discreetly nurse the baby as I sat on the pew listening to the speaker talk about her family.

Just as I was choosing the third option, my husband came back and the congregation was standing up to sing "Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth." I suppose I could've gone to the lonely Mother's Room at that point, but I went with my decision to whip out the boob underneath the bright pink baby blanket draped over my shoulder. The bustling of everyone standing up and singing helped me to get situated and overcome my fear. I am happy to report that Rachel had a successful snack and no nipple was exposed. It was quite a liberating moment!

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Daddy and his 6 kids

Getting ready to blow out all 37 candles

Call the fire department!

Tonight we celebrated by going to one of Daddy's favorite burger joints. It's a lot of fun going out to eat with all six kids. I imagine it is similar to the lifestyle of a celebrity with people staring and whispering as you walk by. Tonight was an amusement. First there was the oldest, #1, tearing into her hamburger with a plastic fork and shoving each bite as deeply as possible into her mouth to avoid any possible contact with her two front dangling baby teeth that she refuses to pull. Then there was #2 dipping all the fingers of his right hand into his ketchup cup and delightfully licking each one, as he avoided telling us that he disliked his hot dog. #3 patiently waiting for her turn to get a refill of Sprite instead of orange soda. #4 dancing on her chair to Phil Collin's "Easy Lover" and Madonna's "Material Girl" while eating french fries, her hot dog, and the rest of Bradley's hot dog. #5 with his 1cm round dark red scab on the tip of his nose happily eating french fries as he tries to stand up in his high chair. #6 nursing under the pink thermal blanket as her mother avoids exposing the post partum roll of belly fat to the other patrons. And finally Daddy, thoroughly enjoying his juicy burger, french fries and Diet Coke with a splash of Dr. Pepper. Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Best Job in the World!

Flashback:
Last night I watched a recorded episode of Aliens in America. It reminded me of the time when my high school homeroom class took a class period to go the computer lab and take a career aptitude test. Eager to find out what I should be, I very accurately answered each of the 100 questions. This was certainly going to help me determine where to apply to college. So upon finishing my last question and hitting the 'enter' button, I waited. I was so hoping to get my dream careers of architect or movie director. Some kids around me were already receiving their results and shouting out their long individual lists of fabulous careers:

"Lawyer! Pilot! Accountant! ..."
"Pharmacist! Veterinarian! Nurse! ..."
"Professor! Writer! Inventor!..."

Oh goody! I was so excited. Finally the computer software finished thinking and spit out my single destiny:

"Fork Lift Operator"

Fighting the tears, I quickly shut down my computer. When the other kids asked me about my future success, I think I told them my computer wasn't working and I forced myself to believe it as well. I don't remember much after that point. All I knew as a 17 year old pubescent adolescent was that I was destined for loserdom.

Flash Forward to Present:
Now as I reflect upon the activities of my day and think about me feeding my 17 month old son his serving of macaroni and cheese at lunch, I realize that my computer in the computer lab wasn't broken after all because I'm a pretty darn good Fork Lift Operator. Thank you very much!

Dumb Criminals

Bradley is a bright kid. However, sometimes I question his common sense, like today when I saw his name neatly printed in ballpoint pen on the wooden playroom shelves. If you're going to write on the furniture, certainly don't write your name. Duh! Usually when I come across scribbles here and there I assume the guilty party is a clueless toddler and don't punish after the fact. Instead I blame myself for leaving out the pen. But when I came across this rather advanced scribble today I yelled, "Whooaa! Bradley! What is this?" pointing to the B-R-a-D-L-e-y.
With puppy dog eyes he said, "Sorry."
He failed to win my sympathy. I replied, "When did you do this? Yesterday? Two weeks ago? When you were 4? When???!!!"
Keeping his puppy dog eyes and pointing his index finger to the corner of his mouth as if to give some thought he said, "I think I did it in February."

My Little Pony Mania

If you want your kids to sit still for 80 minutes, I recommend drugging them with the My Little Pony - Pony Puppy and Other Stories DVD. We checked it out from the library this weekend and my kids were mesmerized by it. It was such a great flashback to bad 80's animation. My favorite episode is "Bright Lights." Just a brief synopsis:

Baby Heart Throb, Baby Lofty and Baby Half Note want to sing backup for Knight Shade (the hot pop singing pony with a totally dreamy and luscious purple mane.) But to their dismay, he has stolen their shadows, which contain all of their energy and substance. The Ponies soon discover that the evil wizard Arabus is behind Knight Shade's behavior, and now it's up to the Flutter Ponies to save the day.

The best part is when the mean Greyvale pony gang comes to threaten Knight Shade and they break out in a mean song:

We're gonna make you sorry
We're gonna kick up a fuss
We're gonna make you sorry
You tangled with us

We'll make you regret the day
You stole our shadows away
You chose a nasty game to play
And now we're gonna make you pay
a yay yay yay yay yay yay yay...

We're gonna make you sorry
We're gonna do it to you
We're gonna make you sorry
And when we are through
No one in this world
Will be as gloomy and forlorn

We're gonna make you sorry
You wanna know how sorry?
You're gonna be real sorry!
Sorry you were ever born!
Sorry you were ever born!
You'll be sorry you were ever born!

Ouch! That's harsh!

Anyway, now I totally have the hots for Knight Shade!

Called to Repentence

I am a sinner. I covet my neighbor's gardener. Every Tuesday afternoon I look out my kitchen window and grow green with envy of the team of happy little Colombians driving their industrial size lawn mowers and working their gasoline powered edgers. They can do in 5 minutes what takes me an entire Saturday afternoon. It's just not fair. I want a team of happy little Colombians to make my yard look pretty. I must repent and get me one.

Tonight I went to an event at church for women only. It's funny how the women with small children are the ones who linger the latest.

A Feminine Dinner

Monday night is grilled cheese on paper plate night. The quicker the cleanup, the more time we have for Family Home Evening. Sarah loves grilled cheese sandwiches and looks forward to dinner on Monday nights. This evening Wendy pushed her plate of half eaten grilled cheese away from herself and said, "I don't like it!"
Astonished, Sarah said, "Why? It's so yummy! It's got cheese inside. And it's girl cheese!"

No More Newborn Baby Butt

I think my baby used up her cuteness within her first 6 weeks of life. She's got some crazy spiky hair and a face full of baby acne. I know. It's just a phase.

She also lost her newborn baby butt. It is no longer the skinny pink shallow crevice it used to be. It is white and a tad bit pudgy. My baby is growing up!

Blog Stalking

The other day I was editing my Blogger profile and discovered that if you click on the words in the Interests, Favorite Movies, Favorite Music, and Favorite Books sections, it will bring you to a list of other Bloggers that have that same word in their profile. So the other night I met Shauna. She is a stay-at-home mom and she homeschools her 5 children. Cool. She is an advocate of unassisted birthing. Curious, I decided to check out her website. This opened up a whole new world to me. Don't get me wrong. I will most likely always choose to have my babies in a hospital regardless of how uncomfortable the beds are and despite the fact the hospital does not offer HDTV and TiVo. But, WOW! there are women out there that willingly give birth and actually catch their own babies, without a doctor or midwife, at home in front of their older children, while their husband snaps photos . She did warn me that the pictures would be graphic. Anyway, Shauna is very into being "natural" and she's very pretty. If you would like to meet Shauna just add "having babies" to the Interests section of your Blogger profile.

Others who like "having babies":
Milkmaidwench - a 33 year old New Zealander who strangely doesn't have a blog.

Carey - a Christian diabetic whose profile reminded me that I like ABBA too. She's a failed Blogger with only 3 posts and the last one dated June 2005. Where are you Carey? Making babies?

The Rich Family - Mrs. Rich is a gorgeous 24 year old Barbie doll with 4 kids.

I have given some thought to having a baby at home (with professional assistance), however, I just don't think it would be the same. I would miss being woken up by the rattling wheels of the portable baby crib as they bring the baby to my room for her 2 am feeding. I would miss being asked, "Baked Fish or Chef Salad?" I would miss the sound of the baby's heartbeat on the monitor as she gets ready for her big arrival. I would miss having someone draw my bath and change my sheets. I would miss the soft crunchy ice pellets and styrofoam cups. I would miss the all-you-can-drink Diet Coke, cranberry juice, orange juice, and apple juice and all-you-can-eat graham crackers and saltines. I would miss my walks down the sterile white halls. I would miss being wheeled out of the hospital by an old man and all the old ladies admiring my newborn baby. I would miss being supervised as I swallowed a $25 Motrin. Most of all I would miss my 2 day vacation when I can catch up on my People magazines and take a ridiculously long shower or bath without hearing the word "Mommy!"

New Lubricant

The oil in the car was successfully changed today. D.L. worked his magic and gave me a safety plug. Let's hope it works.

You would think by the sixth kid I would know to be prepared for "blow-out" moments. Rachel had a blow out on our outing and oozed poop on her clothing. I had no change of clothes for her and only one blanket. Thankfully I brought a diaper and wipes. So I undressed her, changed her diaper, and nursed my naked baby in the lube shop.

I also had my post partum 6 week check up this morning. Everything is back to normal. I got the pap smeared and the doctor asked, "Birth Control?"
I said, "No, thank you."
With a subtle roll of the eyes and slight nod of the head he said, "See you next year," when deep down inside he knew it would probably be sooner than that.

Sarah's Random Quote of the Day

My 3rd daughter is famous in our family for blurting out random things. Today a fire truck raced past our house with its sirens. With big eyes Sarah told all of us, "When it's my friend's birthday, her house is on fire."

I'm old and cheating on my grocery store.

I'm envious of my kid's collagen. As I squeezed my 16 month old son's cheeks today I wished mine were as supple as his. The last 7 years of sleep deprivation haven't worked any favors on my facial skin. I think I might have to bite the bullet and spend $17 on a 1 ounce bottle of lotion that claims to have age defying effects. The good news is that two local grocery stores have Olay products on sale this week which reminds me of a dream I had last night. I dreamed that my favorite grocery store called and left a nasty and threatening message on my answering machine because I shopped at their competitor's store. They threatened that they would not honor any of my coupons anymore. I woke up very upset. I really must be a 30-something housewife.

Who needs Barbies?

My kids love playing with batteries. There's Papa D, Mama C, kid AAs, baby AAAs, and puppy 9 volt.

Sarah showed me a picture that she drew of me and said, "Mommy, that's you. You're shouting."

Uh oh. My kid thinks I'm a tyrant.

I reluctantly asked, "Why am I shouting?"

"Oh. You were asking me to help you with something."

Phew! Not a tyrant, just a slave driver.

Murphy's Law Part Deux

I washed the girl's sheets on Saturday. I have a schedule to wash them on the first of every month. I know this frequency might not be up to Martha Stewart's standards, but I very much dislike washing sheets and making beds. This morning Emily said to me, "Mommy, I think you might need to wash my sheets again. I peed last night because I was dreaming that I was on the toilet." It gave me a flash of deja vu. She was very sweet about it so I couldn't help but smile and think about revising my schedule to an "as needed" basis.

The Joy of Analytics

Occassionally I like to check my Google Analytics to see what search terms brought people to my website. Here are my favorites:

• do pregnant women poop their pants
• girl with panties stuck in her butt cheeks
• mature pooping pants
• peed his pants gym class
• shaving my pubes with electric clipper
• dehydrated placenta service
• farting poop diaper
• is it wrong to expect my husband to get me flowers on my birthday
• malinda had a baby at the age 5
• melinda bigboob
• melinda boob
• melinda pee
• mommy boobs in beth
• placenta lasagna
• rash between butt cheeks
• I would like to wet my pants but what will mom say

*Sigh!* I think I might talk too much about poop and boobs.

My Cynical Saturday

I know this post is kind of long, but I had to vent about my day:

I went to get the oil changed in the car today. We hit the 5000 mile mark a couple weeks ago and David took it in, but they couldn't change it because it needed to be "evacuated" and they didn't have the equipment at the moment. So I called the lube shop this morning to ask if they had the equipment and the woman replied, "Yes, maam." So I got there, waited about 20 minutes and the greasy, dirty employee came to me and told me that they couldn't change my oil because they needed to order another part to be able to reach the bottom of my oil pan. Apparently at our last oil change in May 2007 somebody wrote on the cross bar beneath our car "DO NOT TOUCH PLUG" in 2 inch tall letters with yellow puffy paint along with a nice big puffy yellow "X" next to the oil plug. This means that they have to empty the oil from the top with some sort of vacuum which is typical of foreign cars, but we have a good 'ol American Ford.

What in the world???

We have never taken our car to any other place for an oil change and of course the place won't admit to having painted that there.

Grrrrr!

So I grumpily got into the car and drove to the Ford dealership. It was 2:30pm and the service hours stickered on the door read 8am - 3pm.

Good!

I walked in and said I needed an oil change and the employee said they were closing up shop and he couldn't do it.

What? The sign says 3:00! If you are going to turn people away at 2:30 then post 2:30 on the door! Grrrr!

I even pathetically squeezed some tears out and more pathetically said, "Pleeeease!" He told me very unsympathetically I could beg all I wanted, but it wasn't going to happen. I at least got him to look under my car at the puffy paint lettering and give me his opinion as to what that meant. He had no idea and gave me his business card.

Thanks a bunch, man.

Then...I drove to another lube shop and I explained the issue to the guy and he didn't think it would be any problem. Meanwhile I sat in the waiting area and called the first lube shop and asked them to find the sticker that was on my windshield that they had thrown away that would give me a clue as to who was responsible for making the underside of my car looked like a 1990s cheerleading camp T shirt. They called me back and told me they couldn't find it.

Of course! Because you know that my last oil change was there and are embarrassed that somebody painted a warning in bright yellow puffy paint.

I told them I would be there in a few minutes to come look for it myself and hung up the phone. Finally I hear, "Ford Escape."

Yes!, my oil had been successfully changed.

"Maam. I need to talk to you about your car."

Uh oh.

"We couldn't do the oil change. We just don't have the right equipment. You might want to try Firestone down the street."

Uh huh. Right. Basically you're telling me that my car has been turned into a piece of crap, by some puffy paint psycho.

So then I drove back to the first lube shop, parked my car, and walked toward the building. The obviously annoyed lady motioned me to the garage and said, "Have at it!" referring to my search of the lost windshield sticker. I looked in the first nasty, greasy trash can and it had obviously been emptied. There wasn't a single windshield sticker in there after an entire day of oil changes. Just some cellophane wrapping.

Do they think I'm stupid? Probably.

So I asked one of the greasy men where they might throw away a windshield sticker. One guy obviously knew about the situation and gave me a clue that I wasn't going to find it and told me to bring the car back on Friday and he would check out my car's oil plug. Perhaps he is the puffy paint pscho. Anyway, that is what I will do. But wait...that's not quite all. As I was driving out of the parking lot, my husband called me on the cell phone and to tell me that the other lube shop called our home to let me know that they forgot to put the dipstick back in my car.

@##$%^^$%#$@$#@! What the freak?

Finally after 2 hours of chasing around town I make it to the grocery store and accomplished something (I got 3 jars of Peter Pan Peanut Butter for $0.25 each thanks to my sale and coupon shopping) and then to Walmart to return the two boxes of Huggies Supreme Natural Fit diapers that my inexperienced diaper-buying husband mistakingly bought. I failed to inform him to not buy the supreme diapers. I don't see the point in supreme diapers. Supposedly they

"are shaped to fit more naturally so your baby is really free."

Um...yeah my baby is plenty free, thank you. Do you have any "brick fit" to prevent my baby from climbing on the kitchen table or busting down the baby gate? Now for that I might pay an extra six cents per diaper.

Ok. I feel better now.

Hallelujah!

The baby miraculously slept from 10PM to 7AM last night. I actually had a decent night's rest besides having to tend to Jason at 4:30 AM. He was requesting a reassembly of his bottle that he disassembled before falling asleep. Jason doesn't quite understand the concept of a pacifier. He much prefers sucking on an empty bottle. Whatever works!

Vocabulary Lesson

I played Mad Libs with my kids yesterday. It was a good combination of fun and education. I got a bit bored with their choice of nouns and adjectives though. Come on, kids. House? Couch? Blue? Pink? I had to do it. I had to introduce them to how to really play Mad Libs. Now my kids can spell poop, boobies, stinky, and farty. They caught on quickly. After language arts class we moved onto food science and ate Cookie Dough ice cream, saved the cookie dough pieces and baked tiny cookies.

"Honey, I'm Home!"

Store brand Honey Nut Toasted oats were on sale at the grocery store. I told David to buy all that they had. He came home with 2 dozen boxes. If times get tough, we'll be eating lots of cereal and tuna!

I'm Getting Old

I'm getting old. The American Idol boy contestants are "cute" not "hot", I have hemorroids, I am falling asleep during prime time, and last night I dreamt I was knitting. I'm going to buy some prunes, yarn, and Preparation H this weekend.

I think I am going to stick with Blogger for little while longer. I've got too many other things to do right now like take care of my kids and write food storage hymns. Motherhood has got to be the best job in the world. Tonight I sat on the couch and held my baby as I watched Spy Hard.

"You're going to look like Swiss cheese when they find you!"
"That's no Gouda!"

Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Agent WD-40: D.C.

~INSERT ELEVATOR MUSIC~

Excuse me for not posting. I think I am going to make the switch to Wordpress. I need a moment to think.

Stay tuned.

Testing

Testing

I've Been Tagged

Thank goodness I've been tagged because I didn't have anything to write about today.

Here's the ABC's of me. If your name is under T, it's your turn.

A-Attached or Single: Single. Just gave birth and loving having my body all to myself.
B-Best Friend: My husband
C-Cake or Pie: Is cheesecake pie or cake?
D-Day of Choice: Friday/ Date Night
E-Essential Item: King size bed
F-Favorite TV Show: The Brady Bunch
G-Gummie Bears or Worms: Gummy worm buried in a flower pot of chocolate cake and crushed Oreos
H-Hometown: Rochester, NY
I-Indulgence: Pedicure and new clothes
J-January or July: July because it's warm.
K-Kids: Emily, Bradley, Sarah, Wendy, Jason, Rachel ...
L-Life is incomplete without: kids, M&Ms, ice cream cones, roller coasters
M-Marriage Date: April 21, 2000
N-Number of Siblings: 1 older brother and 1 older sister
O-Oranges or Apples: oranges - big, juicy and seedless
P-Phobias or Fears: hypochondria; hitting a pedestrian with my car; being chased and attacked by the Fruit of the Loom apple and green grapes
Q-Quote: "Just do it"
R-Reason to Smile: kids, family, Disneyland
T-Tag: Amber - she's the only person who reads my blog who has a blog (that I know of)
U-Unknown fact about me: I'm a highly evolved human with only 3 wisdom teeth.
V-Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Omnivore
W-Worst Habit: Interupting my husband when he's talking; leaving junk on the printer, leaving the toilet seat lid up (all pointed out to me by my husband)
X-X-rays or Ultrasounds: Ultrasound
Y-Your Favorite Food: Japanese OR 7 oz. Flo's Filet with Ceasar salad, baked sweet potato, hot baked bread, Mr. Pibb, and a Chocolate Stampede.
Z-Your Zodiac: Cancer

A Mardi Gras Retro Post

So I'm just too tired today to find anything remotely cute, amusing, or interesting. But I posted this picture of Jason celebrating Mardi Gras on Feb. 5.

Oink

Tonight we celebrated David's mom's stay here. We went to a very yummy steakhouse. We concluded the meal with the obligatory Chocolate Stampede. The eight of us ravaged it like a flock of vultures. In the middle of the decadent dessert feast Wendy shouted, "Mommy!" And I said "Yes?" And with her characteristic cheesy smile and chocolate mousse covered lips she very proudly said, "I a pig!"

This is the way we wash our linens...all on a Sunday evening.

A little over 2 years ago David and I upgraded to a king size mattress. (Best purchase ever!) At Bed Bath & Beyond I debated over whether to buy the $30 regular mattress pad or the $80 waterproof one. I figured since we have small children and plan to have small children for many more years, that the extra $50 was a worthwhile investment to protect my pretty new white mattress. Today that investment proved its worth. As we awoke from our family nap on the master bed, Bradley commented, "Daddy, my leg is wet." Sure enough Sarah had predictably peed on our quilt, the quilt under the quilt, the blanket under the two quilts, the flat sheet, and the fitted sheet right through to the mattress pad. Now I get to spend the rest of my Sabbath day doing 5 loads of laundry. I'll be sure to sing some hymns as I do my happy Sabbath cleaning.

The Pumpkin Grape

The picture is kind of blurry, but it's the best one I got. The kids found this grape in the bunch today. It's kind of like Siamese octuplet grapes. Way cool!

A Belly Button is Born

The baby lost her umbilical cord today. Yeah! She's 3 weeks + 3 days old.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

One Reason We Don't Have Pets

"Wendy did it!"

The other reasons:

1. If we are going to feed another mouth, it might as well be a human's.

2. We've got enough potty training to do.

3. Don't want to find a pet sitter when we go on vacation.

4. We already have a security system.

5. The kid's haven't asked for one.

6. We'd have to fence our yard in (for a dog.)

7. I don't want to be forced to exercise at 6am (or at all for that matter.)

8. Our house already stinks enough.

Isn't She Beautiful?

And while I'm bragging, I must finally break down and boast about my baby's tongue. I've been holding back the past few weeks, too afraid I might render some unnecessary envy in other mothers. But I must admit my baby has the most beautiful, long, and succulent tongue. It was apparent immediately at birth. Take a look:

No Bikini Model Yet

I have a baby with a stubborn umbilical cord. I was told 2 weeks is the average time it takes for the stump to fall off. She is 3 weeks old today. My oldest daughter is extremely grossed out by the nasty, black, crusty, but also pussy stump. Today as I was examining it to see if there was any hope that it would fall off before swimsuit season, I felt a sucker punch to my upper left arm. I turned to the culprit, Emily, and asked, "What the heck was that for?" She gave a disgusted grimace and said, "Don't touch that!" This is also the same kid whose two front loose baby teeth are turning yellow in death because she refuses to wiggle them out. I think it is safe to guess she will not become a doctor or dentist.

Answer to Yesterday's Word Problem

Answer: 270 "Mommy!"'s

Bonus Question Answer:
There's no telling because if I tune them out I can't count them. However, an educated guess would be 250.

Word Problem

Today I had a goal of counting how many times Wendy said, "Mommy!" in her little munchkin voice. The experiment began at 7am. I counted to the 30th "Mommy!" when at 8am I began to inadvertently tune them out and lose count. So can you figure out today's word problem?

Word Problem:
Assuming 2 year old Wendy maintains an average rate of 30 "Mommy!"'s per hour, how many "Mommy!"'s will be spoken during her 9 waking hours?

Bonus Question:
How many "Mommy!"'s will be tuned out by her mother?

Answer will be revealed tomorrow.

I have a 16 month old insomniac

I don't know how Jason functions on so little sleep. Last night as David and I were retiring to bed at about 1am, we walked past the boy's room and Jason was sitting straight up in his crib, babbling away. He continued to talk for the next hour .....and the next hour .....and the next hour. I heard him at 4am still carrying on a one-sided conversation. Unfortunately, I had difficulting sleeping as well, worrying about the fact that my child is a freak. I thought surely he would be difficult to wake up this morning. But he was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7am. I decided this morning I'll attibute the insomnia to what any good great-grandma or grandma would say, "He must be teething," or "He was probably hungry."

Excited About Tuna

I got home from the grocery store last night at 10:00pm, excited to tell my husband about my great deal on tuna. Tuna deals are hard to come by, so when I saw that I could get 4 cans/ $1.00, I loaded up the cart. However, when I checked out, the manager came up to me and told me that there was a limit of one deal per customer. What?! I told him I would only take four. So he and the teenage checker unloaded the unwanted tuna cans onto the vacant checkout stand. Then as the checker continued to check out the rest of my items, the manager had a brilliant idea that allowed him to give me all 84 cans of tuna for $0.25 each. You rock Donny Taylor! He even helped me out to my car and unloaded them in my trunk. I am so stoked to have saved $33.62 on tuna! The young, single girl behind me commented that it was a lifetime supply of tuna. But I estimate that it is about a 6 month supply for our family. I should've bought more.

Also, I paid $0.09 for an 18oz. jar of peanut butter (Buy One Get One Free + $1.00 off coupon.) And Bradley's favorite chicken nuggets were on sale. I love grocery bargains! Overall I got about $170 worth of groceries for $95. Now, that's what I call "shopping!"

A Daddyless Breakfast

Daddy attended a church broadcast this morning. I let the kids get their own breakfast. Somebody chose a bowlful of Goldfish. Wendy poured herself some Froot Loops.



I learned from Jason's leftovers that if there is no loop in a Froot Loop, he won't eat it.

Don't forget please, thank you and nicely.

The other day Wendy wanted a cup of water at dinner. She asked David and me and we both replied, "Later. Let us finish our dinner." She continued to complain so I finally said to her, "I'll bet Sarah will help you. Why don't you ask her nicely?" With a look of agreement Wendy turned to her older sister and sweetly asked, "Sarah, will you get me some water, nicely?"

Cable Frustration

Woo hoo! I think my internet frustrations have come to halt. I have been neglecting my blog recently because my internet and/or computer have been functioning at dial-up speeds, despite the fact that we have cable internet service. This morning our connection was completely gone and I called Comcast and the lady must have pushed her magic button after we power cycled our modem and router because everything was solved. I feel like I am surfing the web at ligntning speeds. Just had to tell you all that.

Congratulations to Baby Gunter! So glad he finally arrived!

A Mardi Gras Celebration

Today Jason got into the spirit of Mardi Gras.

Our First Annual Puppy Bowl Party

Most Americans sat and watched the Super Bowl this evening. Our family watched Puppy Bowl IV on Animal Planet HD. The kids really enjoyed it.

Murphy's Law

Yesterday when I was on my cleaning binge, two main chores I accomplished were washing the girls' bedding and mopping the kitchen floor. Last night Emily puked on her nice clean sheets and Bradley spilled 2 quarts of pink lemonade on my nice clean tile floor. Sigh! You gotta love those kids!

Happy 4th Birthday, Sarah!

A Chair Full of Treasures

Today is my mom's last day here, so I decided to get a head start on my spring cleaning. I vacuumed and Febreezed the couch and chair. As I scooped out the sides and back of the chair, I found a multitude of items. Here is my list:

2 toy curling irons
1 calculator (now I can return the one I bought last night)
2 fake gold coins
2 green colored pencils
1 large Lincoln Log
1 Barbie playing card
1 stencil ruler
1 Mickey Mouse memory card
1 mini tambourine
1 triangle Magna Doodle piece
1 lavender hair bow
1 Cherokee clothing tag (clearance)
1 orange crayon with wrapper
1 orange crayon without wrapper
1 necklace
1 red counting bear
1 piece of green balloon
1 red rubber band
1 yellow rubber band
5 staples
1 AA battery
pine needles
1 chocolate chip
1/2 M&M
1 mini princess crown
1 green button
the battery cover for the cable remote control
1 yellow Aqua Dot
1 used Band Aid
1 mini pine cone
1 toy pizza cutter blade
1.5 inches of pink curling ribbon
1 tiger magnet
1 Christmas tree hook
1 Minnie Mouse picture
1 rubber bumper from a cupboard door
1 Capital One fake credit card

...and yes, I just spent 10 minutes or so documenting all that.

Rachel - 8 days old

Our Boy, "Gordo"

Jason has adopted several nicknames associated with his hefty stature, most of them initiated by his father. Today Sarah was helping make tuna salad for lunch when her little brother invaded her stool at the counter. Sarah shouted in a sing-song voice, "Dad-dy! There's a chunk-of-boy on my stoo-ool!"

The "chunk-of-boy"

Boring B Cup

My big boob honeymoon is over. My body efficiently adjusted to its milk supply and returned to a comfortble B cup. I guess I won't get that job at Hooters.

I saved $20

The pediatrician likes to schedule an appointment a few days after birth, mostly to check the baby's weight. The doctor likes a baby to gain back to the hospital discharge weight by one week. Since I had a Thursday discharge from the hospital, I got lucky and didn't have to go until Monday. But today when I woke up, I realized how much I did not want to take Rachel to the doctor today. It was cold, my pelvis is still sore, and most of all I didn't want to pay a $20 copay to have a nurse weigh my baby. So, I got out my trusty postage scale and cake pan and weighed her myself. She achieved her goal and weighs 7 lbs. 11 oz. So I called the doctor's office, and rescheduled for next Monday. $20 can buy a lot of diapers.

Yesterday Bradley came across some flashcards in the playroom. He asked me what they were and I said, "Flashcards." He asked me why they were called "flashcards" and I told him because they flashed and that I would show him how to use them tomorrow because we were in a hurry to clean up. Today he didn't forget our conversation and he brought me the flashcards and said, "Mommy, remember you were going to show me how these flashed?" I think he was bit disappointed to learn that the paper cards did not light up and blink as he was expecting.

We had a regional conference at church today. We watched a broadcast on a TV at church. President Monson was presiding and he spoke and told lots of stories. I didn't realize what a funny old man he was. He talked about how children are the most impressionable and retentive between the ages of birth to eight with the most important age being age three. Sarah turns four on Friday which means I have 4 more days to cram as much information in her as possible. He also talked about how memories become the June roses in the December stage of life. It brought a tear to my eye.

Today Bradley found my used and soaked nursing pad on the floor beside the bed. He asked, "Mommy, what's this?" I told him it was a boobie diaper.

Gotta love engorgement

Despite the pain and discomfort, I love engorgement! It's just a lot of fun for an A cup (borderline B cup) woman to have D boobs for a few days.

The Welcome Committee

Our Six Kids

7 lbs. 12 oz.
20 inches
5:45am

Last night David and I hung out in the parking lot of the hospital. I just felt funny. My back had a tingly sensation and I felt like my water was about to burst. At about 10:00pm I made the executive decision to go home and attempt to get a good night rest in our comfortable bed before my scheduled induction at 6:30am.

I slept as good as a nine month pregnant woman can. I awoke a few times with a full bladder, but no contractions. At 3:16am I awoke with a long, painful contraction. It was only one contraction, but I felt prompted to nudge David and tell him to wake up and get ready. We were planning to get up at 5:30am anyway, so I thought it wouldn't hurt for us to be a couple of hours ahead of schedule.

He took a shower while I folded some laundry. I didn't have any more contractions. When he was through with his shower, I took my shower and David rested some more. I debated whether or not to wash my hair and decided I wanted to look my best on delivery day so it got washed. I still felt fine when I finished my shower, however, when I began to blow dry my hair, I felt a tinge of pain in the uterus. I noted the time was 3:50am. I continued to dry my hair and felt another one. The time was 3:53am. I continued my beauty routine through a few more contractions. I was not going to leave the house with my hair not finished. Finally, I got my hair completely dry shortly after 4:00am. By then I was kneeling on the floor smoothing the stray hairs, trying to avoid gravity doing its work. Pleased with my appearance, make-up and all, I said, "David, let's get out of here!"

We went downstairs, woke my mom to tell her we were leaving, grabbed a couple of bananas and granola bars and got in the car. I called the doctor's answering service and spoke with the doctor-on-call. I warned her that my babies have a tendency to come quickly. I calmy endured approximately 3-4 contractions during our 15 minute drive to the hospital. David dropped me off at the emergency room and I knocked on the plexiglass window trying to get the attention of the gabbing gals of our town's rather uneventful ER. The security guard/ wheelchair driver had to go get the woman. At that point, David came running in and the woman said she needed my ID and insurance card. I said, "You better get me up to the maternity floor before this baby is born right here." Then David pointed to the entrance of the ER and said, "We had a baby born right there." So the wheelchair driver quickly got me up to the floor while David stayed to give my info. I wasn't real comfortable leaving David behind and I asked the man if he had ever delivered a baby before. We arrived to the floor and they got me a room at the end of the hall. I was relieved to at least be in a room, with a staff of experienced professionals close at hand. David arrived and I got on my gown. A nurse examined me and I was dilated 8 cm. They did the whole IV thing and asked me questions while I took pauses to breathe during contractions. It was about 5am when the doctor arrived. She predicted it wouldn't be long before the baby would arrive.

I didn't like when the nurses left the room so I pressed the nurse's button everytime I had a contraction. Finally I asked them to stay and put the stirrups up. I didn't want to have another incident like when Emily was born when David had to go in the hall and call for the nurses and they didn't come until they heard me screaming due to a crowning head. So they stayed with me from about 5:15am until the time of birth at 5:45am. At about 5:35 am they had me begin pushing. I pushed. She said it would probably take a couple more pushes. Another contraction began and I gave it my all. I had never pushed so hard to get a baby out. My other babies, especially Wendy and Jason, just slipped right out without any effort. But I pushed and I got her out. She was here and was a whoppin 7 lbs. 12 oz - about a pound heavier than we were all estimating.

Rachel was an OP (Occiput Posterior) birth which means that she came out "sunny side up" or "face to pubes." OP births also typically involve longer and more painful labors. However, despite the increased pain and increased pushing it took to get her out, her positioning turned out to be a blessing. The doctor said that we may not have made it to the hospital if she had been positioned normally. But no more OP babies, please!

So all went well. It was a nice time of day to have a baby. I prefer to have a baby when the doctor does not have office hours. My own doctor has yet to deliver one of my children. He missed the birth by 1 hour and 15 minutes. Perhaps he will deliver our grand finale. I am pleased to know that Rachel has a natural birthday, no induction required.

4:43am: Only one more hour of looking like a whale. I'm a little disappointed I didn't get a better belly shot before changing into my gown. I just didn't know how much time we had to spare. I can't believe how huge I look!

6:08am: The hair got a little messed up, but I think it looks pretty good.

12:09pm: We celebrated with Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm on a rampage. I can't stop cleaning!

Why am I still pregnant?

Turbo Nesting

I'm in turbo nesting mode. I've vacuumed the family room, including under the couch and chair. We finally put the Christmas stuff in the attic. It got to the point where it was getting difficult for me to squeeze my big fat belly between the railing and the 4 foot Christmas tree at the top of the stairs. I have all the dishes put away. I even emptied the dishwasher while the dishes were still hot. I scoured the kitchen sink. The baby's crib is in place in the master bedroom. There are of course a few things that need to be completed like some more organization in the playroom and sweeping the kitchen floor, but I'm just plain tired! As long as this baby does not come tonight, I can work on those things tomorrow. I think we have even settled on a middle name. Now I am off to eat an orange and watch American Idol with my husband. Any day now, baby!

Gotta love kids-eat-free at Moe's night! A 38 week and 3 day pregnant woman totally deserves a night off from cooking.

Went to the doctor today. My cervix is still "thick and back." I go back on Monday. If my cervix is ripe and ready, he'll induce me on the 22nd. I don't like the thought of being induced, but it sure beats having this baby on the kitchen floor, with my kids as an audience.

Totally thought I was going to have a baby today. At about 12:30am this morning, right after we rang in the new year, I stopped ignoring the persistent contractions I had been feeling. Being New Year's Eve David and I decided to go hang out closer to the hospital to be safe. I didn't want to be on the road in labor with a bunch of drunks at 3 am. On the way, I called the doctor and they told me to go to the ER. I wasn't actually expecting to be admitted to the hospital, but I got a L&D room and was there for 5 hours contracting about every 3-4 minutes. They weren't extremely painful contractions, but some produced enough pain for me to stop and concentrate on breathing. At about 6 am when we were on our fourth episode of the Twilight Zone marathon the contractions all of sudden quit. The doctor examined me a couple of hours later and determined that there had been no progression, and sent me on my merry way. I was a little disappointed. I was quite excited to be having a baby on January 1st, but we went home, saw my parents and sister off to the airport on their way home, welcomed David's parents in, and took a nice nap. I never experienced false labor before. Darn baby! When are you going to come out?

David and I each give each kid a book for Christmas every year. They are usually non-kid books from the bargain section at Barnes and Noble. Bradley and Emily are going through the typical childhood "infinity" phase where they love to add infinity to every conversation. Bradley was super excited when he received the book, Infinity in Your Pocket, from Daddy. This is the video of him opening it.

Church Talent Show

Here is our musical number for the church talent show. I totally biffed the end on the piano, but the kids did a great job!

Here's a slide show that shows the effort that went into the Christmas Photo.

Christmas Card Photo

Here is our Christmas photo that we are sending with our cards. This is take #327 out of the 330 photos we shot in 11 minutes. It's hard getting 5 small children to cooperate! The real photo has a caption that says, "... to the World! Merry Christmas 2007!

I love listening to children's conversations. Tonight I overheard Bradley say, "Why does ice turn to water?" Sarah who was seated next to him said matter-of-factly, "Oh! Because it does." He seemed to be satisfied with her answer. Bradley then elaborated with his conclusion, "Ice must have water inside of it."

Black Friday

Awesome!

My new camera is $30 cheaper today and my memory stick $23 cheaper. I got a price adjustment at Circuit City for $53. That rocks! I love bargains!

It made my day to get a comment on a previous post. It made me laugh. You can read it here.

I bought the Canon SD1000. I think I'm going to like it. I got a free Epson Printer with it. I don't dare try to turn on the old camera out of fear that it might for some reason miraculously start working again.

Today was a really good day. My new printer toner arrived. It was a much overdue purchase. For the past two months every time something needed to be printed, I had to open the door of the printer, dislodge the toner cartridge, shake it, and put it back. It got to be quite obnoxious having to do that for each page that printed. I finally broke down and ordered a cheap knock off version on amazon.com. It saved me like $30 or something. Although, I'm really glad to have it, I was hoping it wouldn't arrive until next week. It was a good excuse for being lazy about homeschooling.

Now I need to break down and just order my new digital camera. It's driving me nuts not being able to take pictures!

Last night at 2AM I heard Emily crying in bed. I went to her room to see what was the matter. She cried, "I need to finish my homework and I couldn't find it!" I thought she was dreaming, but she was serious. Apparently she found her paper that had fallen on the floor and was sitting in bed with a book on her lap, practicing her Chinese characters. I told her that she did not have to finish it at the moment and that she could go back to sleep and finish it in the morning. But I think out of fear of failure, she was determined to complete it. Feeling bad, I decided to stay with her for the 20 minutes it took her to repeatedly copy her characters. Emily does not like to lose at anything. Daddy established a new rule this morning that all homework needs to be turned in by the time he gets home from work. The kids thought that was pretty cool - if you take out the "from" from "home from work", you get "homework."

The Compulsory Burn

Today signifies Wendy learning about hot stoves. We had a showing for the house this afternoon at 12:30 PM. I don't know why, but for some reason I decided to make a pot of spaghetti for lunch at 11:30 AM. Wendy sat on a stool observing. As I turned toward the sink to drain the pasta, I told her, "DO NOT TOUCH THE STOVE. IT IS HOT." I suppose it was foolish of me to believe that her "ok" actually meant, "Ok, Mommy. I won't touch the stove.", because as I was enjoying my steam facial as I poured the boiling water down the drain, I heard a bloody murder scream. I knew immediately, Wendy had regrettfully tested my advice and was now suffering the obligatory hand on the stove burn that it seems all my children have experienced at one time. Under the stress of trying to get lunch served and cleaned up in one hour, I said to her, "I told you not to touch it! I guess now you won't do that again." I ran her hand under some cold water for about 30 seconds and then sat her at the table with a bowl of water to soak her hand in while I finished preparing lunch. She was miserable the whole day. The people don't even want to buy our house.

Santa Claus on November 10?

Give me a break! We went to the mall today so I could get some maternity black tights to wear to church. (I learned last week that non-maternity pantyhose just don't work on a pregnant body. The entire time at church I was fearful my panty hose would fall to my ankles. ) But anyway, while we walking the mall, I was astonished to see that Santa was already seated at his red velvet throne talking to the little children while his elves collected a ridiculous amount of money for low quality photos. Seriously? We still have nearly two more weeks until Thanksgiving! What is this world coming to? I must say I am grateful that we are having a rather meager Christmas this year due to our tightened budget. It is forcing me not to get caught up in the commercialism of the holiday and enjoy the sorting through at Goodwill for that one special inexpensive gift for my family members. I used to love thrift stores and I have been taking my kids for the past week. Goodwill marks lots of their price tags with a number and each day a different number is half price. You can get some really good bargains if you go everyday. I've been having lots of fun with it and Emily has memorized what day is what number. I have a rule that I cannot buy anything that is not half price (unless it is will never be half price), is less than $2, or is Pyrex.

I'm Mourning

I've been in a lousy mood all week because on Sunday our digital camera decided to quit. Thankfully it was after the completion of Bradley's birthday festivities, but it still it put me in a slump. The camera is 7 months out of warranty and will cost $111 to get fixed. So do I fork over the $200 for a new camera? That makes the most sense to me simply because I could spend the $111 to get if fixed and then it won't really be fixed and we will still be out a camera right at the holidays and when this baby is born. So I think I am going to buy a new one. But do I continue to put my faith in Sony or do I convert to Canon? My parents just bought a new Canon and they like it. But the Canon is just not as pretty as the Sony. However quality trumps aesthetics so I think Canon it is.

Today I also mourned my failure to remember to renew my library books last Saturday. I had a stack that I returned last Friday, and I was going to renew the rest online on Saturday. But somehow I forgot and now I had 17 library books that were 6 days overdue which will cost me $10.20! Gosh darn it! I cried. I took them back and tried to get the fee waived. However, the lady wouldn't budge so I gave her the books and left. I didn't pay the fee because you don't have to until you check books out again. So Emily's card will sit with a $10.20 fee while we use our other 4 library cards until we get rich or move to another county.

Then .... I came home and opened a bill from the attorney we used to write a letter to the builder of our house for a repair. It was double what I was expecting because he nickeled and dimed us to answer my simple questions. I had no idea that every email would cost me $17.50. Attorneys make too much. Frustrating!

And then ... I opened the water bill to realize our family uses a ridiculous amount of water. I think Emily and Bradley's showers every single morning has put us over our allotted 9200REUs/ months which means we get charged double for everything over 9200. This month we used 13,200. Those kids need to take military style showers!

I think that's all my financial woes for the week. Hopefully next week will be more prosperous.

Today Wendy hit Bradley. So I gently hit Wendy back to show her how it felt. It upset her and she cried. The crying lasted about 4 minutes. Suddenly she stopped crying and said, "Mommy!"
"Yes?"
"I finished!"
"You're finished crying?"
She nodded and happily resumed her playtime with Little People.

Happy Birthday, Bradley!

Tonight I found a pad of paper without a single kid scribble. That is amazing!

Happy Halloween!

The no cost costumes

The Big Present.

I had this gift bag in my closet for the past 7 years from our wedding. I know I was never going to buy anyone a present that big so I decided to put it to good use.

The Medium Present.

The Small Present

The Birthday Cake

1 paper ream box + wrapping paper + 4 large candles + tissue paper + paper + puffy paint = birthday cake costume

The Noise Maker

1 paper grocery bag + two sheets colored paper + tape + staples + curling ribbon = noise maker costume

Ready for trick or treating.

7 pounds of candy later I consider the trick or treating to be a success. It is totally worth it to have lots of cute kids!

We gave the kids a half hour to eat as much candy and junk as they wanted. Sarah enjoyed her cupcake from the grocery store as well as a Kit Kat, Tootsie Pop, Nestle Crunch, Hershey Bar, Reese's Cup, and M&Ms. Emily and Bradley are a little more aware of their sugar thresholds, so they opted to experiment with the new toys.

Here's some proof:

The kids got great compliments on their costumes. It pleased me that my effort was appreciated. It's a lot of work being a parent on Halloween! David told the kids that they could pick their own costumes next year. Aw, come on! That's no fun!

I think Bradley is going to be an awesome husband. I put matching pink Valentines' Day dresses on Wendy and Sarah this morning. When Bradley saw Wendy he said, "Wendy! You look so pretty! You look like a ballerina!" She beamed and did a little twirl.
Then Sarah said, "What about me, Bradley?"
He exclaimed, "You look pretty too, Sarah. I didn't know you had the same dress!" She beamed, cocked her head and did a little twirl.
I didn't know 4 year old boys could appreciate beauty and fashion.

I'm Allergic to Marriage

Sunday is pretty much my only day of the week to get dressed up and feel beautiful. I dry my hair straight, put a little extra makeup on, wear different earrings, put on a skirt and blouse and break out the wedding rings to go to church. I just don't see a need to wear my wedding rings on an everyday basis and wreck their beauty with chewed up Goldfish, lotion, boogers, or whatever else that can get wedged in every possible crevice of its setting. So they sit in a safe spot, tucked away for the darkness to capture their beauty. And on the rare occasion that I do go out during the week, I feel there is no need to flaunt proof of wifehood. The lump on my belly, my waddling gait, and five kids in tow like baby ducklings should exclaim, "TAKEN!" and be enough to ward off even the most desperate of men. But now I am afraid that I am allergic to marriage. Everytime I wear my rings, I break out in an itchy red rash. What's up with that? I think I need to clean them. Perhaps I'm not actually allergic to marriage, but rather marriage causes fungal infections.

Daddy told Bradley that there was going to be archery at the father-son campout this weekend.
Excitedly, Bradley said, "We're going to paint?"
"No, not 'art'chery. Archery. You know, like with bows and arrows."
"Oh."
I think Bradley would prefer painting.

Happy Celebrate Day!

Today marks the first official Celebrate Day. It's a holiday that Bradley created that falls on the last Saturday of October. The rules of Celebrate Day are:

1.You can't work on solo projects, which means "Daddy can't work on the computer."
2.You have to have fun.
3. You must eat french fries and ice cream or some other yummy cold dessert.

So to celebrate today Daddy played outside with Bradley and Sarah while I went grocery shopping with Emily. Then the whole family played outside with the little kids riding their bikes. Emily can now ride a bike with no training wheels. Then we ended the day with dinner at Wendy's which included, of course, french fries and vanilla frosties. Finally, to top it all off in the car on the way home the radio played the song "Holiday":

If we took a holiday
Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice

That Madonna really knows what she is talking about because today was a really nice day for all of us!

A Little Idol Time

Where did this chunk of kid come from? He certainly did not get his stomach and thighs from his mother!

How many kid's toothpastes does a family need? Tonight I opened the bathroom drawer and had to dig my way through the bubble fruit flavored toothpastes to get to my adult minty Crest. Doras were coming out of the drawer like clowns from a car. Hay caramba!

I love myself!

Those darn pregnancy hormones are acting up again. This time affecting my lower esophageal sphincter rather than my sacro iliac joint. I woke up from a dream about a guy yelling at my girls at the grocery store for playing with the balloons. When I awoke, I had horrible acid reflux. I sat up in bed and decided it was time to raid the kitchen for some relief. After I put an english muffin in the toaster, I scavenged the vitamin/medicine cabinet to find some pharmaceutical relief. To my surprise, there was brand new value size bottle of Tums! Not even store brand, but the actual Tums. Maximum strength Tums! I love you, Melinda! Apparently during one of my Walmart trips, I set aside frugality and bought the name brand antacids, accurately predicting I might eventually suffer painful indigestion during this pregnancy and want the most potent calcium carbonate on the market. I rock! I'll take 3. It's 2:30 am as I write this. I shall go upstairs now, flip on the TV, and drift off to dreamland to allow my subconscious finish getting satisfaction in yelling at my children.

Bah Halloweenbug!

So I decided to get myself out of my bah Halloween humbug funk today and do the holiday right. I've never been much of a Halloween celebrator since I graduated from Trick or Treating. My tunnel vision views it as all work now that I have children. But I decided that I would resist the temptation of avoiding the evil pagan holiday and bring myself to the dark side. Our church was hosting a Trunk or Treat event this evening. With our strict budget, I was determined to create my children's costumes at absolutely no cost. With the help of the Internet I made the executive decision that my five kids were collectively going to be a birthday party. The three girls to dress up as gift bags, Bradley the birthday cake and Jason the noise maker (details to follow on Oct. 31.) Today I can officially announce that I successfully created five beautiful costumes for $0. (applause) Anyway, because I was forced to use my creativity and did not have the luxury of pre-packaged ensembles, it took me a long time, probably too long. Costume creating can be considered a homeschool lesson, right? I had the schedule down. Dinner at 5. Get dressed at 5:30. Out the door by 6pm. I even decorated the back of the van with a bat streamer, Spookly CD and my plastic pumpkin filled with candy. I am never this organized on Trunk or Treat night. As I checked my email before sitting down for dinner I saw the dreaded subject line, "Trunk or Treat Cancelled due to weather." Noooooooooo! Don't you know how hard I worked? I must show off my birthday cake! Not even a postponement? Just plain cancelled? The day has flopped. I will keep the costumes for next week. (tear on cheek). Bah humbug!

Princess Poultry

Today Sarah was playing with the Snow White and Nephi figurines. Snow White was lying down and Nephi had his head close to hers. Confused at the slurping noise that Sarah was making, I asked, "Is Nephi kissing Snow White?"
She replied, "No."
A bit relieved, but still confused, I asked, "Is he eating Snow White?"
She answered, "Yes. Snow White is a chicken."

Computer Calisthenics

Yesterday they announced at church that there would be a father-son campout in a couple of weekends. Bradley is not an outdoor kid and expressed that he is not the least bit interested in attending a campout void of TV and computer. Today as I came downstairs at 5PM to tell Bradley it was time to get off the computer he came panting as if out of breath toward me. He said, "My legs are tired." That nickjr.com must be some workout! Yeah, he's going on that campout whether he likes it or not.

I thought this was pretty cool.
I am left brained. My husband is right. That's weird. What are you?


OpTiCaL ILLuSiON (WhAT SiDE OF THe Brain YOU USE)? -

A Fair Trade

I read in a blog a few months ago about how it wasn't a good idea to write about things your kids do that might embarrass them. The reason was because their friends might read it and make fun of them. At the time I thought that it was wise counsel, and I might have hesitated in writing about Bradley pooping in his pants yesterday. However, considering my son does not have any friends who read their friend's mother's blog, or any friends aside from siblings for that matter, I don't see any reason to try to suppress his fecal mishap.

But...just to make it fair I will tell of the time when I was in the first grade. The year was 1982. Our class was square dancing in the gym. The Hawaiian Punch I drank for lunch passed through quicker than normal and my bladder was full. It was ingrained in me by my mother that public restrooms were horrible nasty places and to avoid them at all costs. As the words of my mother echoed through my head, I concentrated on holding it as I learned to dosado and promenade around my white-haired, awkward partner, Darrell. But a 6 year old bladder is only so mature and, like a water balloon filled beyond the point of being able to tie a knot, it started to leak. If you are a girl you can understand that once it starts, there's no stopping it. It started as a warm trickle down the leg that slowly bled through my red Annie polyester pants and finally culminated into a fresh yellow puddle on the white linoleum tile. I stood frozen and embarrassed as one by one the word passed around the square dance circle that I peed. There was no getting out of the situation and I continued to stand there until the teacher told me to go to the office. I couldn't tell if she was mad, annoyed, or disgusted, but whatever her emotion, I felt punished. I was escorted to the school nurse who pulled out a box of donated clothes for incidents such as these. I loved those Annie pants and now I had to wear Holly Hobby bell bottoms. Apparently no kid had peed their pants at the school in the past decade. But I had no choice and walked out of the nurse's office carrying a paper grocery bag containing my wet clothes and wearing my loner Holly Hobby pants that totally did not match my Annie and Sandy shirt. Thankfully I had friends and they kindly greeted me when I went back to class and gathered around my desk to curiously inquire about my new pants. The humiliation haunts me to this day, thanks to my husband who loves to remind me that I was "the kid who peed her pants" in the first grade.

So I say we're pretty even. Wouldn't you say, Bradley?

(But at least I didn't poop.)

Pain Pain Go Away

Pain, pain

Go away

Come back

When I'm ready to push this baby out!

So apparently six pregnancies can take a toll on a body. My body has decided to flood itself with the relaxin hormone in preparation for delivery. Hello! Slow down! We have three and half more months! As a result my pelvis is like Jello, causing my ligaments to relax and making my muscles do all the work. Now my muscles are like, "Give us a break here! Sit you rear end on the couch and watch some TV."

"Yes, sirs."

You would think my body would already be stretched, torn and worn and ready for another baby without any hormones. Why the overabundance now? Anyway, it has justified our subscription to digital cable. Because having digital cable gives me many more selections of educational shows to watch while sitting on the couch with my children. The past two weeks we have been learning about the Amazon rainforest and I found a show about about the Zoe tribe that lives in the Amazon jungle on National Geographic. I sat down with my kids today to watch it and it was an hour of tribal nudity, monkey eating and trying to figure out why a culture thinks a wooden cylinder the size of a travel toothbrush holder sticking through the bottom lip is beautiful. Bradley was extremely embarrassed by the nudity that he chose to sit backwards and just listen to the show. I have probably just scarred him for life. However, it was very interesting and my kids expressed their gratitude for having a house, unpierced lips, and clothes.

Then after the show, Emily and Bradley were invited to play at a friend's house. I am the mother's visiting teacher. She picked them up and I was about to remind Bradley to remember to use the bathroom if he needed to. But I didn't think he needed reminding. Bradley is very independent, and will be five in two weeks so I spared him the embarrassment in front of his friends. However, when my husband picked them up, the mother explained that Bradley didn't know where the bathroom was and consequently pooped in his pants. Always trust your mother's instinct! I'll have to ask for a new visiting teaching route.

So my pelvic pain is improving. I've been a really lousy blogger for the past two weeks. Kid's just don't say the dardest things when you're miserable.

Are you done?

I do have to admit it is rather amusing to observe the facial expressions of strangers at our response to the typical question, "Are you done?", in reference to bearing children. When we simply shake our heads "no" with a smile, we receive the spectrum of dropped jaws, looks of disgust, looks of admiration, and the following quotes (and our silent or sometimes vocal responses):

"Better you than me!"
(Yes, probably.)

"Hope your husband has a good job!"
(Uh, define "good".)

"You'll have enough for a baseball team!"
(How many players are on a baseball team?)

"What kind of car do you have?"
(A 12 passenger van. We're working to fill it up.)

"They'll grow up before you know it!"
(Yeah, yeah, we know.)

"They'll be such good friends because they are so close in age."
(Yes, they are already best friends.)

"How many bedrooms do you have?"
(3)

"Watch out when they're teenagers."
(Let us get through the next decade first. We'll worry about that when we get there. Just because your teenagers are rotten, doesn't mean ours will be.)

"Are you joking?"
(No.)

"Do you have twins?" - this is usually in reference to Sarah and Wendy.
(No. They're 17 months apart.)

and of course...

"You do know how this happens, don't you?"
(No. Please explain.)

The Herd

I had a $10 coupon to the brand new Kohl's in town. It expires tomorrow so the whole family went tonight. David got 3 free pairs of socks. That was pretty cool.

Then we went to Walmart. We strolled about the store browsing the redundant stock that is at every Walmart, old or new. We spent some time in the toy aisles. There was a married couple there with their approximately two year old daughter. The wife was about 8 months pregnant and her mother was accompanying them. As we headed out of the department I heard the mother say to her pregnant daughter, "Seriously, Bridge, there were five of them!"

Seriously, is it really that strange to have five kids?

Happy 1st Birthday, Jason!

The most boring first birthday cake ever!

But he seems to be enjoying it.

Jason got the Jungle Book DVD for his birthday.

Don't Argue with Me

I went to the doctor's today. My doctor was out of town so I saw another doctor from the practice. I was looking forward to complaining about my back/pelvic pain hoping she would provide the miracle cure. Her miracle cure was a heating pad. Big whoop. So because my pain is causing me difficulty in walking, I requested her signature on my temporary handicap placard application. She said, "Most stores have a spot for pregnant women."
I said, "Target doesn't." and shoved the paper a little closer.
She signed it. She's only been pregnant twice.

A Reminiscent Thought

Due to my lack of blogging material I will take today to reflect upon what would have been a perfect blogging moment in my early marriage before blogs were a cool thing to do. The memory was jostled somehow by my trying to use the cordless phone to change the TV channel. The memory gave me a good nostalgic laugh. The memory is not crystal clear, but I believe my husband was at work and I was at home caring for our infant daughter. He stumbled upon a cool website that offered a service that called a person on the phone and related a message that he typed on the website. Assuming the message was relayed by a computer, he wrote the types of things newlyweds say to each other. It was a novel activity kind of like when computer dictionaries were a new thing and it was fun to type in inappropriate words and laugh at the dictionary annunciate "boobies" and "farthead". So I got a phone call and this lady starts saying these strange things to me. Honestly I don't remember what she said, but I could tell she was embarrassed and annoyed that she had to tell me that she wanted to "do me tonight." Finally the awkward phone call ended and David called me to ask me how cool I thought that was and I had to break the news that a live person was repeating the things he typed.

Girlz Rule!

I overheard an argument between Sarah(3) and Bradley(4) today. For some reason Bradley firmly declared that he disliked girls because of something his sister did. Annoyed and upset, Sarah shouted back, "You do like girls! Because they're pretty!" Go Sarah! You tell it like it is.

The Comcast Cable Curriculum

Call me a slacker mom. I'm taking the week off from Homeschooling. I need to organize the kids' shoes as well as many other tedious errands. Happy unschooling kids. What did you learn from Tom and Jerry today?

Happy October!

Happy October! Now we can officially listen to the Spookley the Square Pumpkin CD.

You know? I think it is my Cabbage Patch Kid Preemie's birthday today. Happy birthday Walter Simon! Gosh! He's 22 years old.