July 21

It's been two months since my mom died.  I didn't quite know how I would feel at this point two months ago.   I'm not one to be dramatically sad.  I enjoy life.  I enjoy laughing and being happy.  I enjoy feeling joy, or should I say I enjoy enjoying?  Anyway, I miss my mom a whole lot, but I have been enjoying life in the meantime.  She lived nearly 3000 miles away so I am accustomed to having her not physically around all the time.  However, when there are things I want to tell her, I get so frustrated that I can't pick up the phone and tell her.  I think it hit me most when I received and tried out my new vacuum.  I wanted to tell her that I loved it and that I am going to vacuum every day with it.  Mr. Dyson is instilling a love of vacuuming in my children, especially Sarah.  She wanted to vacuum the family room two times today.

[I would totally post a picture of my new vacuum here, but my camera is downstairs and I don't have the pic on my computer yet.  But trust me, it's beautiful.  I was wrong.  Not all vacuums are ugly.]

At the time of her death, I was aware of the five stages of grief and was prepared to experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I thought I would gradually go through these stages as time progressed, however, I find myself going through each stage every day.  I wake up thinking she's not really gone, she's still there.  I get angry when I realize that she's not and sometimes mad because I feel ditched.  (Which reminds me that I had a dream last night that I had abs of steel.  When I looked at my abs this morning in the mirror and realized it was just a dream, I entered the angry stage.  Why did my mind have to tease me like that?)  I'm not not a very good bargainer, so I kind of skip that step.  I get sad and cry every now and then.  But I have to say, most of the time I just accept it and live my life how I think my mom would want me to live it.  Happy.

The other day during Sacrament meeting at church, Wendy whispered to me, "Mommy when we die, we don't really die, we really live?"  I nodded my head and smiled.  I was pleased that she was expressing her understanding of life after death.  She knows Nana is not gone forever.  It is such a comfort to know we will see her again.  I am confident of that.  It's a comfort to me to know that my mom was reunited with her dad and her brother and is most likely hanging out with them right now, as well as her other ancestors, as they wait for the rest of us.  Sometimes I get a little jealous that she has moved on to bigger and better things.  But patience is a virtue that I continue to work on and I will have my turn at death someday, hopefully in the far future.  I have kids to raise, blog posts to write, and vacuuming to do while I endure to the end!

Miss you, mom!