My kids love to play pretend. I have been the innocent bystander of many dragon slayings, pirate fights and princess rescues. Today I heard Emily say in the background, "Bradley, let's pretend you're the brother and I'm the sister and we ...."

I've had a Sit'nSpin in my downstairs half bath for a week now that's been serving as a step stool. We do not live the Pottery Barn lifestyle. I write this as I sit here and eat buy one get one free Mini Nilla Wafers and store brand skim milk. The Pottery Barn lifestyle would feed me full price Pepperidge Farm's Milanos and Silk Soymilk with a side of Dove Chocolate covered Haagen Dazs bon bons.

The kids have had this thing for about two months now that when they strip off their clothes they say, "We're ready for church!" Tonight I took Jason out of the bath and held him out in front of me face forward so my clothes didn't get wet. When I asked Bradley why he was laughing uncontrollably he managed to phrase between the giggles, "Because Jason is ready for church."

The kids walked outside barefoot yesterday and I wanted them to wash their feet before hopping into their nice white linen bed. I stuck them in the master bathtub with a bottle of baby soap. I meant for it to be a quick foot bath, however, the novelty of being in mommy's luxurious, deep, jetted tub made Emily ask, "Mommy, can we wash our vaginas and balls?"

Pickled Placenta

I recently read on a blog about a woman who has her placenta in her freezer. Intrigued by this, I decided to research the topic a bit more. I learned that some people actually eat the placenta, a practice called placentophagia. It's not a common practice in the western world, but there's a slew of recipes on the internet to help you know how to prepare the ephemeral organ. There's Placenta Cocktail (a V8 type drink), Placenta Lasagna, Placenta Pizza, Roasted Placenta, Placenta Spaghetti Bolognaise, Placenta Stew and even Dehydrated Placenta (like beef jerky.) Now I don't know if this woman plans on feeding it to her kid on his first birthday like the top of a wedding cake because it is also common to ceremonially plant it with a tree. Nevertheless, how have I never heard of placentophagia? Apparently even Tom Cruise knew about it. Do you know how many good placentas I've wasted? Five to be exact. How come the hospital staff insists on discarding the placenta in a sterile metal bucket to be whisked away to some undisclosed placenta receptacle? There is probably a secret doctor conspiracy to make the placenta seem ugly and disgusting and if you open the door on the maternity floor that says "Employees Only" you would find a bunch of doctors and nurses feasting on placenta. At the very least they could show it to me and let me touch it. Next time I will put "large empty pickle jar" on my Things to Take to the Hospital List.

Pickled Placenta anyone?

There Goes Peter Cottontail

Spring has sprung
Flowers in bloom
You'll only be here
Until the middle of June

I love you Easter
And all that you bring
The eggs, the jelly beans
The songs that we sing

But Easter has passed
Boiled eggs in our tummies
So sad, but so true
I Spacebagged the bunnies

Good night. Sleep tight? Time for Bradley to sleep in his own bed.

On our way to church yesterday, there was a strawberry festival that we passed. The kids were excited to see the ferris wheel and all the people and Bradley said, "Look, a vestible!" We all laughed at Bradley's incorrect phonetics. Then Emily corrected Bradley by saying, "Bradley, it's not a vestible. It's a festible!"

Sarah was sitting at the kids table holding some colored pencils. I asked her, "Sarah, are you coloring?"
She answered, "No mommy, I playing pencils."
And sure enough she sat at the table acting out the drama between Mama pencil, Papa pencil and Baby pencil.

Happy Anniversary to us! 7 Years down, eternity to go.

Have I mentioned that Jason is crawling? Well kind of crawling. He's doing the "get on the hands and knees and lunge forward until you reach your destination thing." He's loving it. A very happy boy.

Is it wrong to expect your 5th child to accept his mother's blog as his official baby book?

My side of the phone converstion 25 years into the future:

....I'm sorry, Jason. It's just....it's just that I was so busy!
....I don't know, like 5 minutes.
....well, yeah, but I couldn't find a cute baby book for you. I just didn't think Winnie the Pooh fit your personality.
....babies do too have personality! You had personality since the moment you popped out.
....Yes, there was online shopping back then.
....I can send you $25 and the links to your growth stats. Just check my archives.
....but your wife has nice handwriting.
....she told you what?
....well, your sister is wrong!
....the reason you don't have any professional baby pictures is not because you weren't cute!
....she's just jealous because we didn't have 6 megapixels when she was a baby.
....Sweetie, will you please forgive me?
....I love you too. Bye.

Then the guilt will overcome me and I will order a baby book online, fill it out and give it to him for Christmas that year along with a $500 gift certicate and club membership to JC Penney Portrait Studio.

Nine Buckets

What's in the buckets?

Bottom Row: White Sugar, Brown Sugar, All Purpose Flour

Middle Row: Buttermilk Pancake Mix, Pasta, Morning Moo

Top Row: Junk, Beans, Junk

Past Post Redemption

My husband told me he wasn't so sure about my Evolution of Prayer post. He asked me, "Do you really pray like that?" So let me clarify. That technically is not an actual prayer that I have prayed. In case my readers didn't get it, my point was that as an adult I expect things to go wrong before they even happen and all the things I listed were meant to demonstrate and emphasize the frustrations and quirkiness of motherhood. I admire everyday how my children make it a point to give thanks ahead of time to their Heavenly Father for the goodness of their day. That particular day my admiration caused me to consequently reflect upon my own prayers and I realized that my prayers sometimes probably sound pretty ridiculous. But, I do know that we have a Heavenly Father who listens to them and we can pray and ask Him for anything that is righteous, including specifics. No problem is too small for Him to be bothered with. With that said, I must redeem myself and admit my prayers are more substantial than the one I posted. I'm not a total nut case. However, I will continue to pray for inspiration to know what to cook for dinner because I know my husband won't contest to that. Peanut Butter Spaghetti anyone?

No, thanks. Pray a little harder, Mom!

I told Bradley today that he used to refer to Mickey Mouse by saying, "Mee Mou." Confused, he said, "I said it like a cat?"

Tonight my husband was giving a lesson on prayer. He told a story about a mother whose baby was injured. She was at home and had no way of going to get medical help for the child. Then my husband explained that she probably didn't have a car to drive the baby to the doctor. Bradley then sincerely added his suggestion with a question, "Or Daddy, maybe her house didn't have doors?" The story went on to say that she said a prayer and a few moments later a neighbor came to help out. Bradley's version would've had the mother praying for a door.

Today I was especially observant of the people at church today. I love to see the colorful personalities. Today there was the 8 year old boy with an orange pair of pliers plotting his next scheme in a small, pocket notebook, the mother trying to keep her 3 year old child occupied with the pictures in a Captain Underpants book, the grandfather fast asleep, the teenager doodling what teenagers doodle, the boy with a large eyeball behind a magnifying glass, the lonely husband with a pew all to himself whose family must have been out of town, two young girl cousins passing notes back and forth, the 6 year old girl singing the chorus of "Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning" loudly and slightly off key (she's mine), the 2 year old girl eating a strawberry push pop sucker, the eight year old boy with his head on his mom's lap, the struggling mother with her screaming toddler child, the 4 year old boy making a chair out of hymn books (he's mine), two menopausal women fanning themselves with the program, the small, mature, businessman-like 12 year old sitting reverently with his parents, and the toddler girl sticking crayons one by one into her mother's cleavage (she's mine.) I love church!

A Mother's Word of Wisdom

When in doubt, always assume your little girl's panties belong in the dirty laundry.

Took the family to Office Depot tonight because I was hoping to find my keys there. No such luck. But as David was browsing the daily calendar planners the oldest kids sat themselves in the aisle, each holding a small calendar booklet. They pretended to read stories. I could hear them narrating, "Once upon a time January said to February, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8."

Has anyone seen my keys?

A Young Mind

My husband bought a pair of shoes on Ebay. They came in the mail today and he tried them on to find out that they were a tad too big. Optimistic Emily said, "That's ok. You'll grow into them."

Does anybody know where my keys are?!

Evolution of Prayer

My prayer:
"Dear Heavenly Father, I thank Thee for my many blessings: for my home, my health, my family and everything else in between. I beg Thee to please bless me with a good day. Bless my children with obedience. Bless me with patience not to hurt them. Help me to fold laundry without cursing. Help me to cook dinner with a smile. Help me to remember to give my husband a kiss when he gets home from work. Bless my husband to remember to give me a back rub tonight. Help me to understand the complexity of marriage. I pray I might remember to go to bed early tonight and not stay up late blogging (although I will stay up until midnight to watch Jay Leno's Headlines. Is midnight too late?) Please bless the baby to sleep through the night because I need some good rest before we have another one. Bless me with kindness because I think I need a little more. I pray that the chocolate ice cream stain will come out of my daughter's brand new $40 dress when she spills on it. Help my son to remember to put underpants on lest we get in a car accident. I pray that my children might quietly watch educational TV shows the entire day and not mess up the playroom that I diligently cleaned last night. I pray I might fill out my taxes correctly because Thou knows I will never be able to find my supporting documentation in three years. Bless the M&Ms and Peeps I ate for lunch to nourish my body the same as a roast beef sandwich on 100% whole wheat bread, 10 baby carrots and a glass of skim milk. I pray that frozen chicken nuggets might be the perfect food because my children eat them everyday. Please bless the compound interest we are depending on for retirement. And last but not least, bless me to know what I should cook for dinner tonight. I know that Thou has power to do all these things, but if for some reason it is not Thy will, please bless me with the optimism of my children. I thank Thee very much. Amen."

My children's prayer:
"Dear Heavenly Father, I thank thee for the wonderful day that we are going to have. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Happy Easter!

Don't let the sweet looks fool you:

Who knew lawn care was like dating?

We are trying to revive our centipede lawn grass. I requested two estimates from two different companies about one week ago. For the first one, a kind, nice looking, young man named Brad came to my door and did a 14 point analysis of the lawn. He patiently explained it to me at my door. He recommended 7 rounds of treatments at approximately $45 each and $75 for core aeration. "Ok." I thought. "It sounds good to me." On the bottom of the analysis sheet he wrote his name, phone number and "Call tonight 4-8."

The next day the second company came and pretty much did the same type of estimate. However, he did not come to my door. He analyzed and left it in a plastic bag on my door handle. His estimate included 6 treatments at approximately $38 each and $56 for core aeration.

Both companies called me back to try to win me over. The first company was more diligent and Brad called everyday until he got an answer. The second company called nearly a week later to see if I was interested. Being the cheap person I am, I went for the second company because their prices were less and I thought that lawn service is lawn service. Well, just minutes after I hung up on my acceptance call, Brad called and my heart sank. I felt like I was breaking up with Brad to date Weed Man. But he was kind to me and said, "I'm sorry to hear that price is your determining factor. Please remember we are the nation's number one lawn care service. When things don't work out with them, be sure to give us a call and we will take good care of you."

Ouch! Gulp.

Well, today my blind date arrived. He knocked on my door and wasn't as nice looking as Brad. Perhaps he may have been exposed to his lawn chemicals a bit too long. Then he asked me what it was that I wanted. I told him I wanted what he quoted the other day which according to his sheet was a first annual weed control. I peeked at him out my blinds and all he did was lazily push a fertilizer cart across my lawn and drove off leaving me a bill on my door handle for $38 for Spring fertilization. Umm....I could've done that. Where's my weed control, Weed Man?

I called and expressed my frustrastion and he's not getting a second date nor my money. Oh Brad, will you please take me back?

Lesson: Don't go on blind dates! There's a reason they don't want you to see them first.

Happy 6th Birthday Emily! Emily got a karaoke machine and here is her rendition of The Itsey Bitsey Spider Went Up the Spout Again:

And her "birthday song":

Helmet Safety

Bradley was puttering around on his bike on the driveway and he went to get his helmet. He asked me, "Mommy, you know why I put on my helmet?"
I was proud that he understood the importance of bike saftey and I replied, "Umm....so you can be safe?"
"No, to keep the bugs off my head."

Sixteen Seconds in the Life of the Cole Family

Sometimes people ask me what I do with five kids at home during the day. Well, here is a 16 second glimpse:

Pooping: a New Form of Entertainment

Emily pooped and requested my help in wiping. When I walked into the bathroom, Bradley was sitting on a stool (not "the stool"), but a small bench we have in the bathroom, observing Emily as if pooping were a spectator sport. They were giggling and Emily said, "My poop looks like a tree, a brown tree." And of course, more giggling followed. I should take my kids outside more often so they can analyze the clouds.

Putting in the Ritz

Emily called it "Bradley's speaker."